Late night walking
I wrote this back in early April.
I've been superstitious about posting it because I know it is not a terrible incident and am afraid that in posting that I jinx myself into something worse. I know that this is mild (and actually nothing) compared to the nightmares that many women experience and live through. While I've lived in this city, I've loved it and am pretty aware of my urban surroundings without being fearful. However, as this happened, I was actually afraid. Out running the other day, a man catcalled basically in my ear as I passed by him. I jumped and wanted to swear at him, but ignored it and just kept going. On a different run, a car full of men yelled at my two friends and I. They flipped off the men and swore at them - I was so surprised at their strong reaction that I think I laughed it off probably out of nervousness about the backlash from the men. Two other guys mocked us as we were running. All I'm saying is that this kind of thing literally happens all the time to every kind of woman. I should feel safer. I want to feel safer.
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Any self-respecting girl stops to get ice-cream after leaving dancing a bit too early and without her friends who wanted to continue to dance the night away.
I was just walking along my normal home route, with a quick gait and purpose in my step.
I heard a quick walker behind me, with a little running every now and then. Walk, shuffle-walk, shuffle, run-jog-run, walk, walk-walk, on repeat. I was a little worried about this person gaining on me, and looked back and saw a man. As my stomach turned over, I tried to pretend everything was normal and switched to the other side of the road.
He did too.
So at this point, my heart is in my throat. This man didn't look too big, but he was still walking-running. I looked around to see who else was nearby, scanning for stores and people, did a mental calculation as to how far he'd get and if I'd be able to outrun him, did a quick memory check of all the self-defense I knew in my head, and remembered that if I needed to point him out in a line up that I needed to remember what he looked like. That whole run-on sentence takes about 10 seconds. As he got closer, I looked directly at him and said hello and let him pass me.
And so, he passed me. It was fine. I was a little scared and shaken. When I got further away from him, I started running toward home, and was thankful that my legs were strong from running last year, and reminded myself how good exercise was overall, but especially in times like these.
I'm normally not scared. I walk around at night quite frequently and am particularly aware of my surroundings. Night times are a particularly disadvantaged time to be a woman. I find it frustrating that I felt this way that night. I guess the only thing to do is to take self-defense classes? Do men worry as much as women do about this? I know I was being unreasonable - but he crossed the street when I did. What was I supposed to think? Why didn't I start running then - I figured he would start running too and I had to calculate my sprint to the nearest store or public place?
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Naive naive me. I'd love it if one day there weren't situations like this that caused such an anxious reaction. I mean, wouldn't you love that too?
(#YesAllWomen is the activism hashtag against misogyny. I think the worst of my experiences are being called out at while running. I still feel totally ashamed and guilty even though I realize I should also be enraged. I'm not angry enough to yell back yet. I'm still a little fearful at what will happen if I do...)
I've been superstitious about posting it because I know it is not a terrible incident and am afraid that in posting that I jinx myself into something worse. I know that this is mild (and actually nothing) compared to the nightmares that many women experience and live through. While I've lived in this city, I've loved it and am pretty aware of my urban surroundings without being fearful. However, as this happened, I was actually afraid. Out running the other day, a man catcalled basically in my ear as I passed by him. I jumped and wanted to swear at him, but ignored it and just kept going. On a different run, a car full of men yelled at my two friends and I. They flipped off the men and swore at them - I was so surprised at their strong reaction that I think I laughed it off probably out of nervousness about the backlash from the men. Two other guys mocked us as we were running. All I'm saying is that this kind of thing literally happens all the time to every kind of woman. I should feel safer. I want to feel safer.
------------------------------------------
Any self-respecting girl stops to get ice-cream after leaving dancing a bit too early and without her friends who wanted to continue to dance the night away.
I was just walking along my normal home route, with a quick gait and purpose in my step.
I heard a quick walker behind me, with a little running every now and then. Walk, shuffle-walk, shuffle, run-jog-run, walk, walk-walk, on repeat. I was a little worried about this person gaining on me, and looked back and saw a man. As my stomach turned over, I tried to pretend everything was normal and switched to the other side of the road.
He did too.
So at this point, my heart is in my throat. This man didn't look too big, but he was still walking-running. I looked around to see who else was nearby, scanning for stores and people, did a mental calculation as to how far he'd get and if I'd be able to outrun him, did a quick memory check of all the self-defense I knew in my head, and remembered that if I needed to point him out in a line up that I needed to remember what he looked like. That whole run-on sentence takes about 10 seconds. As he got closer, I looked directly at him and said hello and let him pass me.
And so, he passed me. It was fine. I was a little scared and shaken. When I got further away from him, I started running toward home, and was thankful that my legs were strong from running last year, and reminded myself how good exercise was overall, but especially in times like these.
I'm normally not scared. I walk around at night quite frequently and am particularly aware of my surroundings. Night times are a particularly disadvantaged time to be a woman. I find it frustrating that I felt this way that night. I guess the only thing to do is to take self-defense classes? Do men worry as much as women do about this? I know I was being unreasonable - but he crossed the street when I did. What was I supposed to think? Why didn't I start running then - I figured he would start running too and I had to calculate my sprint to the nearest store or public place?
-----------------------------------------------
Naive naive me. I'd love it if one day there weren't situations like this that caused such an anxious reaction. I mean, wouldn't you love that too?
(#YesAllWomen is the activism hashtag against misogyny. I think the worst of my experiences are being called out at while running. I still feel totally ashamed and guilty even though I realize I should also be enraged. I'm not angry enough to yell back yet. I'm still a little fearful at what will happen if I do...)
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