Rebellion in Times of Constraint
There are two things in opposition about me that are both true. I, by nature, am very obedient. I am also rebellious.
I think there's a bit of a rebellious streak among much of the sibling clan, however, I always thought I had opted out of that streak. I grew up amidst some siblings with what would be maybe considered a mild case of teenage angst and limit-testing. Because I was such a straight-laced-naive person at the time, their mild rebellion in my mind looked like grand larceny.
It wasn't until I had moved away from home and started out on my own path, making my way in the world, continually testing my own limits that my rebellious streak grew apparent. I think it surprised me at first and I was uneasy about it. Rebellion wasn't part of my identity. Over time, I've become much more comfortable with it, and I can roughly predict when it will appear.
I make decisions deliberately, but quickly. In general, my batting average is not bad. Sometimes though, when there are two goods, or the best seems like it should be the best, but the conditions that I'm choosing from don't seem to match - therein lies huge struggle. Often times these types of decisions are peppered with advice from religion, family, peers, media, and I have to quiet all of that to figure out what I want. Again, I must re-emphasize that I often choose what would be considered "best."
Getting to that decision though, often involves a ton of rebellion. I'm extremely stubborn. I want to make sense of it in my own way. I want to find truth and test it and make sure it stands up to what all the noise is saying. This is the part of me that won't go away, this insane desire to test.
When I'm feeling constrained to do something - I don't like it. With a large part of my effort I will squirm and wriggle and debate and protest. I may come around to the same decision, but not until after I've "raised a little hell" as my great grandma Nellie would say. Knowing that I have this tendency makes me less surprised and willing to go through the process, listening to my internal arguments and constantly shifting reasoning until I finally make up my mind.
I am blessed that I have a family who is also getting used to this. I think that it is surprising to them too, because they only remember me as the pre-college me, who didn't have rebellion in her. After they've fully aired their advice they then step back and watch me struggle. I think it's hard for them, but I think they have come to know that it's some sort of process I have to work through.
I was recently thinking about this in the context of love and agency. In terms of decision making, I don't think it's possible to love someone that is forcing you to make decisions or even not forcing you, but has heavy handed expectations of what you should choose. There is so much that comes with the process of making decisions other than the ability to love someone who trusts you to work through it on your own and come to what is the "best" decision - but I think that being able to love someone who trusts you might be part of it. These kinds of thoughts always remind me of the lines in a song "Prone to wander Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love" and although my proneness may not be that dramatic, there's a part of me that realizes the humanity of those lines. If part of my mortal experience didn't include a Heavenly Father who was willing to trust me and still love me despite my rebellion, I don't know if I would be able to be quite as happy. There probably is more to be said about rebellion, and usually I try to come to sort of a conclusion when posting, but this time, I don't think there is a conclusion about this. Just learning to be ok with discomfort as part of a human experience is conclusion enough I guess.
I think there's a bit of a rebellious streak among much of the sibling clan, however, I always thought I had opted out of that streak. I grew up amidst some siblings with what would be maybe considered a mild case of teenage angst and limit-testing. Because I was such a straight-laced-naive person at the time, their mild rebellion in my mind looked like grand larceny.
It wasn't until I had moved away from home and started out on my own path, making my way in the world, continually testing my own limits that my rebellious streak grew apparent. I think it surprised me at first and I was uneasy about it. Rebellion wasn't part of my identity. Over time, I've become much more comfortable with it, and I can roughly predict when it will appear.
I make decisions deliberately, but quickly. In general, my batting average is not bad. Sometimes though, when there are two goods, or the best seems like it should be the best, but the conditions that I'm choosing from don't seem to match - therein lies huge struggle. Often times these types of decisions are peppered with advice from religion, family, peers, media, and I have to quiet all of that to figure out what I want. Again, I must re-emphasize that I often choose what would be considered "best."
Getting to that decision though, often involves a ton of rebellion. I'm extremely stubborn. I want to make sense of it in my own way. I want to find truth and test it and make sure it stands up to what all the noise is saying. This is the part of me that won't go away, this insane desire to test.
When I'm feeling constrained to do something - I don't like it. With a large part of my effort I will squirm and wriggle and debate and protest. I may come around to the same decision, but not until after I've "raised a little hell" as my great grandma Nellie would say. Knowing that I have this tendency makes me less surprised and willing to go through the process, listening to my internal arguments and constantly shifting reasoning until I finally make up my mind.
I am blessed that I have a family who is also getting used to this. I think that it is surprising to them too, because they only remember me as the pre-college me, who didn't have rebellion in her. After they've fully aired their advice they then step back and watch me struggle. I think it's hard for them, but I think they have come to know that it's some sort of process I have to work through.
I was recently thinking about this in the context of love and agency. In terms of decision making, I don't think it's possible to love someone that is forcing you to make decisions or even not forcing you, but has heavy handed expectations of what you should choose. There is so much that comes with the process of making decisions other than the ability to love someone who trusts you to work through it on your own and come to what is the "best" decision - but I think that being able to love someone who trusts you might be part of it. These kinds of thoughts always remind me of the lines in a song "Prone to wander Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love" and although my proneness may not be that dramatic, there's a part of me that realizes the humanity of those lines. If part of my mortal experience didn't include a Heavenly Father who was willing to trust me and still love me despite my rebellion, I don't know if I would be able to be quite as happy. There probably is more to be said about rebellion, and usually I try to come to sort of a conclusion when posting, but this time, I don't think there is a conclusion about this. Just learning to be ok with discomfort as part of a human experience is conclusion enough I guess.
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