3.2003. Pt. Reyes Natl. Seashore

As an undergraduate, I was somewhat ambitious and found myself involved in too many tasks, groups and clubs, almost all of which involved leadership roles. I was a closet introvert, thereby burning massive amounts of physical energy to augment the small pools of emotional energy used being an extroverted leader. One of the first leadership roles I held, leading a group of 12 on an Alternative Spring Break trip, these words helped me rise from gloom to hope. Even now, I find relevancy:

"Do you ever feel the need to write, to wonder, to think, to...

"I really don't know the motive of my pondering, other than maybe my fortune's been told one too many times in the course of a day. When your future has been decided for you, there's a sense of bewilderment and concern for the unknown. I wonder about taking on new roles. I wonder sometimes about the group connection on multiple levels.

"She was right, sometimes it is intimidating to get in there and expose a vulnerable part of yourself. I think this may be weirder due to unsaid expectations (of what?) Expectations of what I know, of what I can do, of who I am? What? That's unreal, but in a sense I know we've all felt the burden of these expectations even though the flip side of our reasoning forces us to realize our suspicions are unfounded. Most of our fears are imagined. Although, I do find some are valid but only to a small extent.

"The power of fear is remarkable. It can be a key component to the altering of ones actions. Change is good, but not if promoted by fear. Fear in all forms is not empowering, but crippling. I fear I haven't done enough, but at the same time, I fear that I may be doing too much. I want to be everywhere at the same time. I want to participate and laugh in parallel with running logistics. It seems like there is a double-standard. At this moment, I am mostly feeling over-emotional and needing a change.

"Maybe I need to change the way I have been simply watching things happen. Leading at this point means more than the logistics. I need to instead see a clearer picture of how amazing our group can be. Maybe, above anything else, I need to start seeing the amazing, looking for the fantastic, and then telling everyone all about it. Even if this experience is not what I initially thought it was going to be, it now is going to be better."

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