speechless

It's 2:44 am. I've lost count of what number of Gilmore Girls episodes have played tonight. I started watching around 12:30 am, so it's not been too long and there's one playing now. Sometimes I just want to ramble and send things out to the world, thoughts that shouldn't be said and that I'll want to take back - so I'll keep it short.

My head's been hurting for about 3 days. I don't usually have headaches so sometimes I get a little worked up when they persist for a number of days. Brainstorming where it's coming from seems a little easy. It could be because I have(had) a literature meeting scheduled for saturday. A 20 min presentation is really not that big of a deal even when I picked the paper on monday (which is 3 days later than I usually pick a paper). Also, I didn't put together slides until yesterday and then just right when I was getting a little frantic about staying up until 3 am this morning to have my slides ready for tomorrow - the lit meeting was postponed until next week.

So, then I stay up until 3 am anyway (and not working on my presentation at all). But the headache persists. Then I'm thinking it might be the fact that I have a new coworker sharing desk space and opposite bench and hood space. I miss my old coworker. We used to talk back and forth, joke, kid, nothing was awkward, and we worked hard - both of us and got a lot done. Now, I am next to a very silent, very awkward (but well meaning), and over interested in being helpful coworker. I say over interested in being helpful because I tend to talk to myself and gasp and mumble and he takes it all personally as if he has the answers. I'm very independent; I know the answers thank you, so the situation bothers the heck out of me. I very conflicted. Conflicted because I'm not sure if I don't like him, or if I just don't like change. Furthermore, it seems that the pace is very different now that I've switched projects. I feel almost as productive as I was 3 years ago. I went from completely organizing my day down to the hour, to now feeling somewhat useless as I don't know what my pace is supposed to look like at all. This could also be part of the problem.

So even though I claim to be a happy graduate student, I feel otherwise. I'd be happy to deal with organized chaos at this point. Maybe I need a personal secretary for my chaos, or maybe I need a face mask and a pedicure since ice cream and retail therapy aren't working. So, now at 3:26 am and 1/2 way through yet another episode of Lorelai and Rory's bantering I just send this out to my family, friends and that random blog button in blogger. Not for you to say anything, but just for me to speak, to express the things that I really shouldn't say, and really shouldn't feel - but do.

I don't know if this is helpful to me, but I feel like I have a tendency to retell the same story over and over thus prolonging the emotion entwined in the tale. This one's needing a short lived life. And please, don't ask about work since I'm having a hard enough time on my own remembering that life exists outside of the lab

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