Tendencies of overshoot in character gain
It seems that I have fallen into a state of kara-centricity. Suddenly I realize that a majority of my interests and efforts have gone into thinking about my activities and happiness. What's funny is the fact that despite my new self-awareness, it will not stop or change until after the middle of april. So here I am, in the middle of a new month, a good part into a new year and lost in my own self-absorbancy. The only reason I note this, is that it may be of worth to those who are finding similar things happening to them with the onset of a new location and newly leeching demands.
It seems that this all came on very slowly. Starting with the balance of hours (work, study, reading, spiritual, emotional, social) and ending with a huge imbalance where only one of the above categories mattered has gotten me into the state where I am now. I often begin sentences with gerunds and end them with the main part of the sentence. A friend described it as talking in such a way to be replicated by trying to touch your left ear with your right hand by going behind and over your head. Try doing that. Then try reading my sentences. My friend is good at making comparisons without any words. With a large imbalance of one thing, my stress levels have become very high and with stress levels high you only think about how to cope. Coping mechanisms for me include retreating into my introverted self and withdrawing from my usual efforts in seeming interesting. It also includes my inability to focus during conversations. Being a believer in the terms of "being present" I find it hard to feel adequate in social situations when I am not truly able to stay present and instead tune out. It's not fair to me or them. This all comes down to a state of being in which one has devolved into someone who is not living up to their potential as a person. The truly obnoxious part is when I sit back and realize that it has happened and that there needs to be change. Those who might not know me well might think this is a very sad thing indeed to be so very self-aware of, but in fact, this state is where I come to often, and change for the better is often the outcome.
I have a chemical engineering background - though this has nothing at all to do with the last paragraph and this is an abrupt shift in topic, the statement holds true and is required for the next statement. My life is often analogous to an improperly tuned control valve. I don't quite remember all of the parameters that are needed to describe this, but I know enough to get my point across. Reaching these points where change needs to happen can be described by the plot below. Often after deciding on things that need to change, I exhibit a certain amount of overshoot and exceed what is reasonable for the amount of change necessary. The rise time varies, and after the overshoot, I will then drop below the expected gain required. This "settling time will vary substantially and eventually I reach a point where I am no longer oscillating and I have reached the change I desired. (Starting new semesters and my classwork shows this same character in how I approach classes.) So anyway, am I concerned about this newly found desire to change all these things I am dissatisfied about - no. I mainly realize that this is a pattern.
Noticed patterns are good. Change prior to very large upcoming deadlines is not good. Coping mechanisms that are socially destructive - also not good. Working through character flaws in by hanging your dirty laundry up for all to see on a blog - maybe unnecessary, but not necessarily not good. I think that overshoot is common. I think that individual devolvement is common. I think that staying up all hours of the night to blog is common. And so, we move on. We find those things that require change in us and we say it's everyone else that has to change or that it's us that has to change. I've decided that editing papers are similar to editing character. If someone has a valid point, you need to change it. If it doesn't matter and it's a personal preference, then it might not be very important but something to consider. It is not very often that editing includes nit-picky things when it comes to character. The best editors are the ones that love you the most - and they always bring up the very valid points. And they are not easy to take, but you can't brush them off because they wouldn't have brought it up if they didn't think it would make the composition better.
With that, I hope I'll be on my way soon to a better composition.
It seems that this all came on very slowly. Starting with the balance of hours (work, study, reading, spiritual, emotional, social) and ending with a huge imbalance where only one of the above categories mattered has gotten me into the state where I am now. I often begin sentences with gerunds and end them with the main part of the sentence. A friend described it as talking in such a way to be replicated by trying to touch your left ear with your right hand by going behind and over your head. Try doing that. Then try reading my sentences. My friend is good at making comparisons without any words. With a large imbalance of one thing, my stress levels have become very high and with stress levels high you only think about how to cope. Coping mechanisms for me include retreating into my introverted self and withdrawing from my usual efforts in seeming interesting. It also includes my inability to focus during conversations. Being a believer in the terms of "being present" I find it hard to feel adequate in social situations when I am not truly able to stay present and instead tune out. It's not fair to me or them. This all comes down to a state of being in which one has devolved into someone who is not living up to their potential as a person. The truly obnoxious part is when I sit back and realize that it has happened and that there needs to be change. Those who might not know me well might think this is a very sad thing indeed to be so very self-aware of, but in fact, this state is where I come to often, and change for the better is often the outcome.
I have a chemical engineering background - though this has nothing at all to do with the last paragraph and this is an abrupt shift in topic, the statement holds true and is required for the next statement. My life is often analogous to an improperly tuned control valve. I don't quite remember all of the parameters that are needed to describe this, but I know enough to get my point across. Reaching these points where change needs to happen can be described by the plot below. Often after deciding on things that need to change, I exhibit a certain amount of overshoot and exceed what is reasonable for the amount of change necessary. The rise time varies, and after the overshoot, I will then drop below the expected gain required. This "settling time will vary substantially and eventually I reach a point where I am no longer oscillating and I have reached the change I desired. (Starting new semesters and my classwork shows this same character in how I approach classes.) So anyway, am I concerned about this newly found desire to change all these things I am dissatisfied about - no. I mainly realize that this is a pattern.
Noticed patterns are good. Change prior to very large upcoming deadlines is not good. Coping mechanisms that are socially destructive - also not good. Working through character flaws in by hanging your dirty laundry up for all to see on a blog - maybe unnecessary, but not necessarily not good. I think that overshoot is common. I think that individual devolvement is common. I think that staying up all hours of the night to blog is common. And so, we move on. We find those things that require change in us and we say it's everyone else that has to change or that it's us that has to change. I've decided that editing papers are similar to editing character. If someone has a valid point, you need to change it. If it doesn't matter and it's a personal preference, then it might not be very important but something to consider. It is not very often that editing includes nit-picky things when it comes to character. The best editors are the ones that love you the most - and they always bring up the very valid points. And they are not easy to take, but you can't brush them off because they wouldn't have brought it up if they didn't think it would make the composition better.
With that, I hope I'll be on my way soon to a better composition.
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