A Chemical Affair

Happy New Year!!

2012-01-08T18:37:00.000-05:00

Christmas was wonderful! I went home to visit my family and DIDN'T DO ANYTHING for FIVE WHOLE DAYS! It was incredible. I felt no sense of guilt, because I knew that the punishment for procrastinating the work I had "brought home to work on" was going to be better motivation for me to get it done than to actually work on it while home. (Yes, I realize that sentence is rough.)

Maybe this is how most people enjoy their vacations? If so, I'm making it a goal to make it to the "most" category.

I rang in the New Year with friends, fun, food and (thanks to Elizabeth) fortunes! We had a lovely time playing charades, clue, and guesstures. For New Year's Day, we gathered for a pot-luck, and played charades again (this seemed to be a popular game for the occasion) which was again a success in terms of a good time had by all.

I made some goals...er, resolutions. I'm not telling about them, since I heard that tends to make me less likely to do them. Regardless, this is going to be a great year. It has to be, since the world will end 2012. (Not that anybody believes that, right?)

Happy 2012!

Christmas Reflections

2012-01-06T22:39:00.000-05:00

Santa didn't seem to make a huge appearance this year. I learned from my mom that she didn't want to even have a Santa for us kids, but she had family members who were shocked and opposed to this sentiment and therefore I "grew up" with the existence of a Santa Claus. Upon learning about this, I have almost quite decided to exclude him from any future life that I may have a say in.

There are too many other great traditions. Christmas caroling made a comeback in a big way this year. For some reason my family (two 50-ish yr olds and 4 "kids" ages 21-28) went serenading the neighbors. We're no family VonTrap, but we all sang loudly, with excitement and my family even forgave me when I forgot the words to Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and almost messed everyone up.

We acted out the Nativity as is a tradition. Opened gifts, enjoyed each other's company. All in all, it was a really good Christmas without a lot of fuss. Hopefully the spirit of Christ will stay throughout the year in this new year, and I can feel more relaxed and festive and joyful even when not on vacation with loved ones. It seems like a good habit to keep for the whole year.

Step Aside Santa

2011-12-18T22:49:00.001-05:00

Have you seen the seasonal Best Buy commercials for this year?

I think it a little ironic how far commercialization has come. Christmas didn't even start with a santa. Then Santa came, was used for spreading the idea of "getting" instead of giving, and now that the idea is fully implanted into our society, it seems there is no longer a need for Santa. Christmas seems to have become a holiday where you just buy stuff for the sake of buying it to give to your highly expecting and entitled children who are more pleased with tech toys and warrantees over anything you'd find in Santa's workshop.

In a future life, I think I'll prefer a tradition where there are only a few gifts, but a lot of thought behind them. Where Christmas is a holiday of appreciation and reflection, and less about "getting" more and more things. Why not even spread gift giving over the year for random holidays - birthdays of course, but what about just random things too? This isn't a fully formed idea, just a half-thought mostly. I guess the logic is, that in spreading it out, there isn't just an event that happens once a year where you save up all your wishes for that one year. Instead, it's the season, where, we give gifts that we think express our gratitude and friendship, as opposed to granting all of our wishes on a list that we've stored up all year round.

Emotion vs. Reason

2011-12-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

I started reading How We Decide by Jonah Lehrer a little while ago. I liked it a lot. More than Stumbling for Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. I liked it because it helped me realize how much of my decisions are based on emotion, and how it's ok. I always felt a little guilty when I felt like something was a way it was and couldn't explain it logically. Now, I realize, it's probably because I know more than I think I know, and I just can't remember how I know it. Besides this, it seems that a lot of what I listen to has drawn from many of the themes (and experiments) as there have been cameos in recent General Conference Talks (ie: michel's marshmallows, praise for "trying" not inherent "smartness", negativity bias), probably a few radiolab episodes and other random media.

I kept notes as I read the first part of the book because I kept hitting nuggets of good information that I totally agreed with:

1) "Mistakes aren't things to be discouraged. On the contrary, they should be cultivated and carefully investigated." p 51

So true. Especially in science. And life, I guess. True in life and science.

2) "One of the crucial ingredients of successful education is the ability to learn from mistakes." p 51

Good to know that I can count my education successful.

3) "in human decisions making losses loom larger than gains." loss aversion is a mental defect. "we try to postpone the pain for as long as possible, the result is more losses" in speaking of putting our money in stocks and bonds. p 77

I need to realize that just because a loss may seem like a big deal, it's a mental thing. Gains will also be a big deal, our mind just likes to dwell on the loss.

4) "negativity bias" p 81

To the human mind, bad makes a stronger impression than good, for example, as a rule of thumb in marital interactions it takes 5 kind comments to compensate for one critical comment. I read about this in The Happiness Project - it was nice to read it from the source.

Looking at #3 and #4 together, the only way to avoid loss aversion and negativity bias is to know about it, and critically realize it's what is going on.

5) "The problem with credit cards is they cause people to make stupid financial choices. They make it harder to resist temptation, so people spend money they don't have...Paying with plastic changes the way we spend money." p 85

I feel like Financial Peace University and other places that help you out of credit card debt recognize this and are making money off of it.

6) "The problem with panic is that it narrow's ones thoughts. This is known as perceptual narrowing. [snip] While automatic emotions focus on the most immediate variables, the rational brain is able to expand the list of possibilites." p 98

A reminder that your gut feeling is usually focusing on what's most important, but if you are too emotional, you'll probably miss other possibilities.

7) "People who are more rational don't perceive emotion less, they just regulate it better." p 107

Thank you. I feel personally vindicated for not being an emotional hot mess all the time over every little thing. I simply have high emotional regulation.

8) "When you encounter a problem you've never experienced before, when your dopamine neurons have no idea what to do, it's essential that you try to tune out your feelings." p 128

Again, being ruled by emotion is not always the best.

9) "It's possible to think too much." p 132

Enough said.

Near the end of the book - there's this great paragraph:

"The best decision makers don't despair. Instead, the become students of error, determined to learn from what went wrong. They think about what they could have done differently so that the next time their neurons will know what to do. This is the most astonishing thing about the human brain. It can always improve itself. Tomorrow, we can make better decisions."

I like that. I like that by relying on both reason and emotion, the best decisions can be made. I love that the principles I have been taught from very little about relying on faith or being ok with uncertainty are the things that in the end, are supposedly what help with making better decisions. That inner struggle and thinking about it, is helpful. The discomfort is ok, as long as it's confronted and used to improve information for better choices.

I love that.

Jelly vs. Jam...How did I not know?

2011-12-11T19:58:00.000-05:00

I bought strawberry Jelly the other day. I was disappointed when I got home and realized that I hadn't purchased what I thought I had. I wanted chunks of strawberry in my jelly - the kind of spreadable stuff that resembles whatever your mom makes. Turns out, that is either named Jam or Preserves. Now I know.

Only took me 9 years on my own to figure that one out.

As an excuse for my ignorance, I usually stick to raspberry or blackberry which isn't ever a jelly. Strawberry is complicated - so I was thrown off and my usual just grabbing whatever looks cheap and will pair nicely with peanut butter or spread on toast, didn't end up working out for me.

Happily, as with most mistakes that happen, I'll be less likely to repeat it.

Joy Luck Club ~ two halves of eight stories

2011-12-11T19:53:00.001-05:00

I reread the Joy Luck Club in November. I hosted a book club about it, so I paid careful attention to the stories. I love this book for so many reasons. There are 8 stories told from four mother-daughter pairs. It was really interesting to see the ways the mothers pasts shaped the way they raised their daughters and how they tried to impart that knowledge. All of the mothers lives were shaped by tragedy and all of their daughters didn't know tragedy in their childhoods but were facing difficulties in their later lives as thirty year old women. I think it's a testament to my "old soul" that I loved this book when I read it as an eighteen year old.

Anyway, one of the stories stuck out to me - there's a lot to it about fate and expectation and attention.

One of the daughters is speaking about an unfortunate event that she feels is going to inevitably happen. And in wondering about if she'd have done anything differently would her life have changed paths. Of this she says,

"I've been thinking, Even if I had expected it, even if I had known what I was going to do with my life, it still would have knocked the wind out of me. When something that violent hits you, you can't help but lose your balance and fall. And after you pick yourself up, you realize you can't trust anybody to save you... So what can you do to stop yourself from tilting and falling all over again?"

She then relates the story of her mother's desperate attempts to find her little boy that has drowned. She ends the story by saying "And it made me angry - so blindingly angry - that everything had failed us."

Coming back to her present situation she says the following:

My mother tells me, though, that I should still try.
"What's the point?" I say. "There's no hope. There's no reason to keep trying."
"Because you must," she says. "This is not hope. Not reason. This is your fate. This is your life, what you must do."
"So what can I do?"
And my mother says, "You must think for yourself, what you must do. If someone tells you, then you are not trying."
[snip]
"And I think now that fate is shaped half by expectation, half by inattention. But somehow, when you lose something you love, faith takes over. You have to pay attention to what you lost. You have to undo the expectation."

I'm sure this is one of those paragraphs that will have many different meanings as it's looked at by my life. This excerpt doesn't describe my life in terms of fate, or if I even believe that definition of fate. But I think it speaks to my desire to keep struggling against the odds despite the often dreary painted outlook. I also love the idea that if you aren't thinking for yourself and only taking the answers from everyone else that you aren't trying. And I think that this idea from her mom, answers her question in the beginning about what do you do to keep from tilting and falling in again. The answer is that you think, pay attention, and be careful of your expectations.

Closer, closer, closer...

2011-11-06T23:43:00.000-05:00

Things are moving forward once again. I've picked a direction. I've got a defense date. I've got a new car I want to buy. I've not run a 10k, but it's in the works for early next year (2012).

I love it when progression is being made. That feeling of making it through a rough time and coming out better after is irreplaceable.

Now, if only my science would work on a more timely schedule...

Reading 5 years of books in too short a time...

2011-11-03T22:54:00.000-04:00

I've always been a reader. I think my poor eyesight is in direct correlation to my reading late into the night as a pre-teen. I know it's an old wives tale that reading in the dark will make you blind, but I think I'm the reality to that tale. As a teen, I read a lot of fiction. The novels I read were mostly adventure fantasy (Robin McKinley, Garth Nix, Alexander Lloyd, Tamara Pierce) and I loved it. There wasn't too much love storyline as far as I remember, but lots of danger and plenty of imagination. Also, now that I think about it, many, if not the majority, of the books I read had a very intelligent female heroine and protagonist.

Anyway, I loved reading.

I continued to love reading throughout high school and into college. I read and read and read my way through mostly classics. Then I came to graduate school, and stopped.

Stopped entirely.

I started reading again, maybe 2 years ago, but that was slowly and maybe only 2 books a year. In the last 10 months, it has picked up tremendously. With a fury, I have read more books in the last 10 months then I have in the last 5 years combined (24 books, actually). I hope nothing is wrong with me. I'm also hoping that with some sort of wisdom I will get back my regular reading pace (somewhere between stopped and where I am now) so as not to become a book-glutton.

And no, lest you think I've become less of a scientist than I've been in the past - a good 25% of the books are science related (not required reading though) and mostly read between the hours of 9 pm and 1 am and here and there on commutes to and from lab.

New Goal: Sleeping

2011-10-31T01:03:00.000-04:00

Remember how I was SOOO good and accomplished a new goal in 30 days?
Then remember how I set another goal and completely and utterly failed in 30 days? I do.

New things are difficult. Change is hard to incorporate in my life if I get ahead of myself. The accomplished goal was easy to do because I tacked it onto something that I was already good at. The unaccomplished goal was not ever even given a fair and fighting chance (in fact I think I only made it through 5 days successfully) because it required too many steps.

I've decided (or come to accept) that I'm not a morning person, but that it would be healthier if I was. Mornings are lovely things really, and I'd love to be able to enjoy some. My favorite mornings are Sundays when I get to enjoy the sun reflecting off the pond in my backyard, or catching the colors in an infrequent sunrise (they aren't infrequent, I am).

So, before I set any new goals, I need to set up new framework for the new goals. This is key I think - I can't do new things if I don't break them up into small doable things that become part of the larger picture.

To keep me honest, I'm going to say it here: New goal for November, to become a responsible sleeping citizen. Obviously, this starts Nov 1 as it's already 1 am and I'm still fully dressed and blogging.
Sidenote: Mondays are not a favorite day for me.

So here's to a new month - with new goals and hopefully healthier sleeping habits!

A new 30 days!

2011-10-05T23:42:00.000-04:00

There was a short talk on TED (linked above, Matt Cutts) about trying something new for 30 days. I decided it was high time I get my act together and make sure I was making goals and keeping them. Also, there were/are a few habits that I am not so good at remembering to do that I really need to incorporate into my life now or yesterday, or 12 years ago. So I decided that by taking the first two months of the challenge to get my habits in order would provide me with the confidence necessary to try SPARKLY ADVENTUROUS TRULY NEW THINGS after I'd gotten my ducks in a row in terms of things I should already be doing.

I started my first 30 days on Sept. 5. Slowly (but surely) I kept a tally of the new (but not really new) thing and only missed one day (and I missed it because I actually forgot, not because I didn't want to do the new thing)!! In my accounting, I am counting it!

As small as a success as this is, it's now a new 30 days. So, I have one more habit that needs to be incorporated into my daily living and then I can move on to non-habit like NEW THINGS such as writing a novel, practicing my sewing, learning to play the harmonica, learning a language, or doing push-ups!

Step Functions and Miles Davis*

2011-09-23T21:02:00.001-04:00

*This post has also been edited as my family seems to think I've made myself a bit too ridiculous.

Remember step functions from when you were in algebra?

Here, a graphical representation may jog your memory:

You are at a set value for a long time until you would draw an open circle and then jump up (or down) to the next constant value, then jump up again to that next value and on and on.

Right now, I feel like life is step functional. The anticipation of the new value and is alarming, scary, exciting and unbearably wearing at my patience. The being stuck at the same value for what seems like a very long time makes it seem like nothing will change. But, by definition, step functions are all about change.

Also, I was waiting and waiting for something to happen in the past week, and instead of the something happening it was replaced with something else. In my head I was going to move from the value of 2 to 20 and instead I moved from 2 to maybe 5? Still, it's moving, so I'm grateful, but slowly, so I'm bothered and the gap between 5 and 20 seems very very far indeed.

Which brings me to Miles. I don't know if I like Jazz music - but I love Miles Davis. I think that step functions are much more bearable with Miles around. Here's to you Miles! Thanks for improving my life when movement seems slow and change/decisions take patience.

Undergrad Encounters*

2011-09-17T13:08:00.001-04:00

* This post has since been edited since my Mom and sister called me a Jalink. I was really upset and taking it out of the undergraduates. Apparently, it was apparent.

The other day, first day of school, a male freshman stopped me on my way into the building. "Hey," he called out, and when I stopped added as an afterthought "you're not a freshman are you?" I said no, and he then asked how he could get to a certain building. It was just down the street, so I told him so. "So, I just walk that way forever? Do you think I'll get there in time for my class?" I assured him he'd have plenty of time. "Thanks," he grinned and walked hastily in the direction we'd agreed on. I'm sure he stopped someone else before he got there - he seemed excessively nervous about the situation. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was going to be at least 10 minutes early, maybe more.

A week and a half later, I was coming back from the gym around evening-ish. A female student with black stretchy pants, ugg boots complete and some kind of blue fleece jacket was trying to get into the building - which was locked. I'm usually wary of anyone trying to get into the chemistry building at night because of safety mostly and also I wonder if they should even be there when the building is locked. However, I guess she seemed harmless enough and I heard myself ask her if she needed to get in. "Yeah, I have a study session." Ok, I said as I unlocked the side door to the stairwell and walked in holding it open for her. "What do I do? I mean, where do I go?" I was kind of surprised and a little tired from the gym so unfortunately I was thinking somewhere along the lines of "I shouldn't have let you into the building if you don't know how to get out of a stairwell, sigh" but calmly I pointed to the door leading out of the stairwell and into the main part of the building. "Thanks." "No problem," I said as I headed up the stairs.

These things happen to me all the time. I routinely get asked for directions or asked for help. Maybe I have one of those faces. In the first case, I was in a better mood than the second. And, I think I'm probably at this point looking old enough that I am hopefully guessed to be some poor graduate student as opposed to some random undergraduate. I've been here for more than 5 years and have had my share of undergrad encounters of the first, second, third, fourth and (need I go on) kind.

Ah, undergrads. Needlessly nervous about nothing.

Catching up...birthdays and a new start.

2011-09-06T00:08:00.000-04:00

(Yes, I realize that was a million posts in one evening. My birthday was yesterday, and I'm rather happy that my birthday and New Year's just happen to be 9 months apart because I get to reassess my life during those two times. I couldn't start off my new birthday year with a million drafts waiting to be posted. There's one more simmering, but it's not ready.)

I had a great birthday! My birthday being near labor day, there's always a holiday feel to it. This year it fell on a Sunday, so I didn't get to participate in all the free-ness that normally accompanies birthdays in the town where I live. But, I had a splendid day regardless.
I got to talk to all my lovely family. I had an exquisite ice cream cake that was amazingly yummy and had a mouth-watering BBQ rib dinner. Sometimes I think that I could drink BBQ sauce. Or swim in it. Either sounds delightful. I went to a lighthouse and walked along the rocky shore of Lake Huron. I received many wonderful gifts and some very special cards.

Being a new year - it's time for new things. From Sept 2011 to Sept 2012 the following things will occur:

I will graduate with my Ph.D.
I will have the title Dr. attached to my name.
I will begin my post-doctoral fellowship.
I will move at least once.
I will buy a new car.
I will learn French.
I will run a 10k.

There are, of course, many more goals and I need to compare my new years goals with where I'm at now and bring them up to speed figuring out which were useful and which were not. I heard a talk from TED about trying something new for 30 days, and need to pick something and then set a 30 day timer of this "something new" to be tried. There are so many things that I need to do better on, and lots of things that I need to stop doing altogether. I'm really excited for this new year. With so much change, I'm sure it'll be a bit taxing, but I'm up for the challenge. At least, that's the front I'm taking.

Bring it 28. Let's see what you can do.

Living for One

2011-09-05T23:49:00.000-04:00

Caution: I say "I" >40 times in this post.

I do things I never thought I would do: leave the door open when using the bathroom, sing in the shower, scream loudly at bugs prior to killing them, strip down to my skinnies just before hopping in the shower, or starting a load of laundry. I haven't lost all self-respect to walk around au naturel just yet, and I don't think that this habit will creep in despite the realization that it wouldn't matter if it did.

I clean up after myself, on my own timescale. I keep dishes out of the sink, just like I like them. I watch what food goes into and out of my fridge and I always know what's mine. I take the trash out and take the trash in and know that it's only my trash. I clean the bathrooms whenever they look dirty. I lock the doors and remember my keys. I garden - a little.

I don't have to be considerate of the TV. I watch whatever I want when I want. I invite friends over and don't have to ok it with anyone. I can sit in every chair and in every spot. I lie on the rug on the floor and love it. I don't worry about other people ruining my favorite rug. I don't have to roll up the rug when I'm out of town so that it doesn't get fancy things spilled on it. Did I mention I love my fancy rug?

I love living alone. My neighborhood is delightful. I have already met my neighbor, waved to the lady with her three wee dogs that she dresses in pink sparkly neckerchiefs while she walks them in her black fancy dress. I have smiled at at least 4 different elderly couples out on walks. One woman stopped to move my trash can while I backed out of my garage and then moved it back after. I waved at her with a smile and said good morning and thank you. I have mapped out and run multiple routes starting from my house that are all about 2.5 miles for the loop. And I love that it's all paved.

I kept myself from living alone for so long because I guessed that I would love it too much. I'd get stuck in my ways and become an adult with very strange living habits who couldn't adapt well to others. However, now that I've spent most of my young adult life taking care of the house for other people and living with various roommates, I feel I'm ready for this type of freedom. I've learned to live well with others, but have traded in learning to live inhibited with other people because I realize that screaming at bugs and singing in the shower and always watching tv or taking personal calls or doing homework in common spaces would be really really aggravating. And it often bothered me that some roommates never quite figured out those unsaid rules. Now I can do all those things, and no one is bothered.

Did I mention I love this?

engagements and weddings - it's the "in" thing

2011-09-05T23:35:00.000-04:00

there have been way too many engagements and weddings this year to be seen as normal. there must be something in the water. or a sense of urgency since the world is ending in october. or 2012. soon anyway.

being around many engaged people, i have noticed a trend among the engaged. most pull out from social activities and keep to themselves. i'm going to refrain from comment on how i feel about this.

also, people engaged become avid phone talkers. planning, gabbing, giggling, phone talkers. at home, at school, at events, everywhere. there couldn't be anything more important than one's cell phone at this time.

i have a friend who's kept track of the people who have gotten married from the church congregation in her years as a grad student. in two years, i think her number was approximately 50, which is a LOT of folks. i wonder how many more i'd have added to that considering i've been in the same congregation a few years prior to her being here.

i'm glad that i didn't keep track.
best of luck to all of them.

An algebraic accounting of pants and sizing.

2011-09-05T23:15:00.000-04:00

Please note that this post is ridiculous. It's the little things that bring happiness I tell myself

Um. I'm a size n. Once upon a time, when I left the happy teenage land of high school and started my first year of college, I think I was a teenage size n-1 (or n+1) in juniors. Under a buck twenty, and lean, tall and blond.

Graduate school. I bought some n+4 (womens). I even owned a size n+6 (which didn't fit). I moved to some size n+2's the other year back, and then this year, moved even more solidly into the n section. I swim in a n+2 now. I started eating better, taking care of myself, exercising, sleeping. Nothing really changed drastically but - voila!

I'm happy to say, I'm at a happy idealized pant size. I can go smaller, but I'm quite content. There were those chubby graduate school years that ate up my life and spit it back out in poundage piled up in the parts of me that wish they were more shapely. I fought back with a ferocity that now fits comfortably in a women's size n. Also, I try on some n-2's (that fit, really well!) and think to myself that I'm not too far away from this pant size. I think most of the jeans that fit in this size are vanity sized, but I count them just the same. I realize that this is ridiculous to be this excited, but my mother is a size n-2. And we are the same height. And she had six children.

So, really, this is not as bad as it seems. And really, is anyone surprised by my mild competitive nature?
I didn't think so.

Kesha and Katy

2011-09-05T22:31:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it seems that I get a little over-enthusiastic about songs on the radio. I feel silly admitting that at one point I really liked Kesha. Sometimes I'd sing along with Katy. However, at some point, I think I grew up a bit and realized what was being implied. I also started paying attention to the target audience.

I decided that I dislike them and am boycotting.

Example: "Your Love is My Drug" There is mention of a slumber party in a basement, lots of references to crack and liking beards. So is this really a song for 16 yr olds? If so, it seems that there is nothing wrong with sleepovers, and bearded men for 16 yr olds. But, to me it seems that mixed sex slumber parties for teens is not so much my idea of a good suggestion for a target audience.

Example: Katy Perry's "California Gurls" I liked this song until I watched the music video. This movie took the children's game Candyland and made it into a monstrosity full of soft porn. Again, looking at the audience it seems to me that some of the images of the music video are terribly tragic as suggestions for teens.

Did I mention how much of both of these includes sexual innuendo - and really too much that I am comfortable with?

Boycott ensues.

doctorates and dissertations

2011-08-14T23:15:00.000-04:00

I'm getting close. Recently my Dad and I went back and forth a couple dozen times in drafting together a document that we ended up calling his dissertation. I argue that it's probably only a chapter of it, because he claims he wants to write two more. Throw in an introduction and a conclusion chapter and *poof* there you have it - dissertation!

I wanted to graduate in August. I have a stigma in my head associated with those who don't quite "make it out" in 5 years. Apparently this is something I have to get over. I should just look at it with the thought that my thesis is just getting longer. Yeah, that's it. On a positive note, my committee says that I'm on track to graduate. Whenever I want. How about tomorrow Committee? Or the day after? No? That's not how it works? How's that reaction going you ask? Yeah, I'm getting to it. Can I tell you the results tomorrow?

The thing is, that I think that I'll miss it. GASP! Really?

Yes, really. I get to wear jeans and a T-shirt to work every day. I really do get to come in whenever I want. I can run errands and not be troubled about it. I guess for a while (2 or 3 years) I didn't really feel like those were choices I got to make, but now that the entire culture of the lab has changed - I feel that I never took advantage of the situation and did a really good job for myself. I maximized my graduate school experience. I learned stuff. I have an incredible work ethic. I'm darn smart and a good problem solver. I'm really good as part of a team. I often have good advice for my coworkers who ask for it. I had most of those things coming into this - but not the confidence to just go ahead and say it. I sometimes wish that I was the kind of person who would take advantage of that kind of flexibility, but even if I had known about it, I don't think I would have. Work is work. Graduate school salary or not.

So, here's to 5 + years Michigan. I hoping that when the world ends (in October or 2012) that by then I'll be a doctor! (No, not that kind, the other kind).

Drafts

2011-07-12T22:35:00.000-04:00

I dread writing, or preparing something in writing of any kind. The only way I can overcome this dread is to write a really really terrible first draft.

Each subsequent draft is saved with the number of draft it is. Before I finalize a publication I often get to draft 8-10 of versions intial, close, or final. I usually know I'm pretty close to done, when i'm in the 6's or 7's. Sometimes I just want to save something as version 5 or 6 just to trick myself into thinking that I'm close.

There's a strange fear associated with blogging though. Sometimes, when I've only roughly expressed my ideas, I get worried that I'll click publish instead of save. I'm glad that isn't true in the case where I send a draft to my advisor or the publisher and it gets published with all your notes instead of as a full version of the story.

Anyway, I'm behind. I have posts saved as drafts. They are building and with it the fear that instead of clicking edit I click publish, and that just wouldn't be fun for anyone.

An Introduction: 1997

2011-05-09T01:24:00.000-04:00

Along with my talk in church I was asked to give an introduction. It went similar to as follows:

My name is k nelle. I have lived in this small midwest town for 5 years pursuing a PhD in organic chemistry at large public University. I graduated from the flagship institution in Utah where my family still lives in a small suburb of with the exception of one sister who lives on the east coast. I am the second of a number of siblings.

This is the usual boring framework that we tend to introduce ourselves. Since I've become somewhat bad at introductions I looked back to see how I defined myself as a 14 year old. In my journal I said that my favorite things to do were reading, and thinking and pondering. I hated the song "I believe I can fly" and my favorite food was tacos. My greatest wish was to travel to Salzburg (which I ended up achieving a couple years ago). I liked 3:00 in the afternoon and hated midnight and noon. My goal of the upcoming year was to get to know EVERYONE and to STOP writing about Rick (who was my 8th grade crush).

Most of these things are still true. I LOVE reading and thinking. I still love afternoons and even though I use the late night hours for projects, in general I still love sleeping. I am slightly ambitious and thrilled by a challenge. Most of the time I make an effort to get to know everyone and generally try to stop writing in my journal about boys.

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T00:54:00.001-04:00

In church, members of our congregation are asked to give talks about various topics. I gave a talk in 2009 (link) and today, I was asked to give a talk about the Righteous Influence of Women (based on "LDS Women are Incredible"). I didn't write it out word for word and was so nervous that I changed most of the wording as I spoke. Some of it will be different, but the message will be the same:

I sometimes stop and think about how much of who I am and who I've become is influenced by my family, and since it's mother's day, I'll focus on the influence of my mom and other "mothers" in my life.

In the talk "LDS women are incredible" Elder Cook said "God placed within women divine qualities of strength, virtue, love and the willingness to sacrifice to raise future generations of his spirit children." Even if we don't feel like we have these qualities now, I think we can rest assured that these qualities can be cultivated within all of us. I also think that all of us need those attributes in our lives. Today I'm going to focus on a few of these.

The first is strength. I was recently talking to a friend who had moved to a new ward and was finding it difficult to find good friends and people she was connecting to. I related to my friend a story about my mom. She was always very busy and didn't have time to go to things like enrichment or book groups, having very little time for herself she found it really difficult to find friends in the wards that she was in. It says a lot about her strength in the gospel as she kept going to church, kept being faithful even when feeling a sense of isolation and loneliness. It's a hard thing to do, to reach outside of yourself even in times when you feel like you need to be reached. Another example of this kind of strength comes from a woman in the ward who reached out to me when I first moved here. I remember feeling nervous, and overwhelmed. But there this woman was, offering me rides to church, inviting me to dinner parties, looking out for me when I needed it most. At this time in our lives, we may not think about improving these abilities, but we can do so as we strengthen each other and keep that strength within ourselves.

In the scriptures it reads "Wherefore be faithful...succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees."

We are all needed to do these things, for each other, today. We strengthen this divine quality in ourselves when we put it into practice.

Other instances when this faith is required is when we are faced with imperfections in family life. I'm sure we've all had experiences of a beloved family member falling to illness, or passing away, or of a family member forgetting or failing to choose the right. I know that when these experiences have happened in my life, my mom was often a pillar of strength. I'm not saying that she fully embraced these challenges, but with hope and optimism it is from her that I learned that nothing is too hard, no trial too overwhelming that couldn't be addressed with these six words:

"Everything is going to be ok."

This is what I still live by since the alternative doesn't make any sense to me. That is the strength of a righteous mother to instill in her children that there is a divine plan for us and that all things will work together for our good. To have watched my mom live by that, gives me courage to do the same.

Speaking about this happy optimistic spirit of my mom leads me to touch on the divine quality of virtue.
Virtue is seeking after the good things, the things that will bring us joy. Being virtuous makes us more qualified to receive the companionship of the Holy Ghost. This companionship is unarguably something that we all need.

One of the things I love most about my mom, I didn't realize until I was much older. I was a normal angsty teen that would often get into arguments with my mother. I was a very serious child, much much more serious than I am now. My mom was what I would call "random" and I did not appreciate it. I thought she needed to be serious because she was the mom. However, this quality of "random" I have actually come to redefine as spontaneous, interesting and happy. Her thrill of life, zest for adventure and imagination are now things that I greatly appreciate and have tried to cultivate within myself when I have had the time. Another thing about my mom is that she has always been very "fashion-forward" having had training in cosmetology and was an aspiring "fashionista" as a young adult. However, I have never seen her push the limits of modesty and good taste. My mom was well-dressed but her tastes and choices were always appropriately set within the guidelines of virtue. This is especially important to me today as clothing choices often are widely outside of this boundary. I also grew up in a home without swearing, and few immoral or bad movies and if a poor movie choice did slip in, it was often followed by correctional words on how it was a poor choice. As I look back on how my mom approached media and other daily choices, sometimes I could see the thought process taking place. Watching her choose virtue over vice was a powerful influence for how I make those decisions today.

I'm thankful for my mother's example of virtue in always seeking after the good things.

Finally I want to talk about love. I am sure that all of us know that our mothers always had a tremendous amount of love for us. They take the time to explain things, fight our causes, and give correction when needed. It can definitely be said that I was nurtured in a household of love. What a household of love looks like to me is a lot of time, of teaching siblings to look after each other, and of learning to talk things through. The attitudes I have about relationships, argument, resolution, conversation and commitment in all their various forms in trial or times of calm were forged in a household of love. The ideas behind working through differences is something for which I will be eternally grateful as I watched two "strong personality" parents have six distinctly "strong personality" children who realize now more than ever our commitments to each other are stronger than our sometimes frequent clashes in perspective or desires. This household of love gave me the courage to pursue my interests and take more risks. It encouraged me to try new things because even if I failed I was still valued more than anything I could imagine. We were all loved, and that tone was set by my mother.

This quality is strongly exhibited in not only mothers, but righteous women everywhere. I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the love that I have felt, as well as many others here, from the bishopric's wives. In a hard time, transitioning to graduate school being far away from home I cannot count the number of prayers offered in my behalf not to mention the number of meals, fresh baked bread and cookies, advice, shoulders cried on, and warm greetings given. It is remarkable to me, the love, devotion and concern that goes into the looking after of the men and women in this ward from our wonderful bishopric's wives. The attention to detail always brings strong feelings of emotion when I realize their love for me, and I know that many of us feel the same way and have felt that powerful loving influence for us in our lives.

We go farther, we live better, we take more risks when we know we are loved.

I am so grateful for the strength, virtue and love exemplified by the women in my life. I know that cultivating these divine qualities would not be possible were it not for their testimony in this gospel. Our ability to cultivate these qualities are also not possible without our continued devotion and worship of our Heavenly Father and through the atonement of His Son Jesus Christ.

The Hair Cut (Not unlike this clip 6:20min-7:47min)

2011-04-25T00:34:00.001-04:00

(psst: I've linked to Troop Beverly Hills in the title. Classic Shelly Long, but it's really only worth watching the 1.2 min recommended.)

I function as what I like to consider a low maintenance human being. However, I am limited in my ability to be completely maintenance free because I have curly hair. Not consistently curly, my hair requires hair cuts, product, styling, and diffusing with a blow dryer. These are things I'm not proud of. I have often wanted to be one of those people who just wake up to the world looking naturally pretty (just like the movies). Unfortunately, if not tended to my hair resembles something more like this:

This is also the reason why my family insists that I keep my hair long. So, I try to keep my hair long, try to keep the curl consistent, all in the meanwhile of keeping my "getting ready in the morning time" to under 30 min and not spending exorbitant amounts of money on hair product (expensive or inexpensive, it's really cutting back on quantity that matters).

So, instead of getting my hair cut at Great Clips or Fantastic Sams (which is only $8-12 and takes about 20 min) I went to a fancy salon called "Above Ground" which advertised specializing in curly hair. I actually got my hair cut from their curly hair specialist. He dry cuts curly hair. Quick lesson for non-cosmetology readers: dry cutting is cutting your hair after it has been styled. This makes sense to me because sometimes it's hard to tell if you cut everything even because dried hair is different than wet hair, no argument. However, I will argue that wet straight hair is more similar to dry straight hair than wet curly hair is to dry curly hair.

Imagine my horror, when after my stylist had washed my hair, parted it nearly down the middle (which I never do), formed individual curls (which he assured me were my "organic" natural curls), diffused them into their dry springy form, he then CUT each curl INDIVIDUALLY. WHAT? That doesn't make any sense!! Oh, I agree. I think he was watching me squirm incredulously in the mirror when he decided to turn my chair around so I couldn't watch. When he was done, I actually felt remarkable. Begrudgingly, I had to admit that my hair really did look amazing. Almost like I was ready for the movies. "These are my natural organic curls?" I wondered to myself as I went back to lab. I didn't tip well. I was upset.

Now, I've lost you, but I had very legitimate reasons for being upset. He cut each individual curl. There was no way that I was going to wash and redo my hair reforming each individual curl exactly the same way he had done. The problem with the hair cut was going to be that each time I redid my hair, there would be random long hair pieces sticking out. I would have to recut each curl every time and therefore, I would have no hair left and in desperate need of another hair cut when the one I had just paid for was the most expensive hair cut I'd ever paid for in my life.

Also, there were other reasons for being upset. This stylist told me that I was washing my hair way too much. I've already heard this argument from Jessica, but didn't buy it then and wasn't buying it now. He said he had "way curly hair" and only washed it every 4 months or if he got sand or debris in it. Otherwise, he would just rinse and condition when he showered. "Curly hair is drier than straight hair and needs more conditioning." I asked him about the smell, which he assured me wasn't an issue for him, besides if conditioner and a little product was being used it would still smell like that.

So, I did what I do best and experimented. The day after the hair cut, I washed it and restyled it. I used scissors just as I thought would be required to cut a few offending hairs. Then, I didn't wash my hair for FIVE days. I felt gross, but, my hair looked great. It was curlier than ever, and now since he'd convinced me that my "natural organic" curl was actually ringlet looking, I found out that sure, I could get it to do that, and it would stay - and it did. So then, I shampoo'ed and conditioned and then went SEVEN days. I still feel really gross when I get past 7 days (I have only thus far made it to 10 and that was really really gross) but I'm actually happy about it.

Here are the pluses: 1) I don't have to use as much shampoo. Bonus for when I have to travel, minimizes the amount of stuff I have to pack. 2) I don't have to use as much product. Before I was using mousse and gel and hairspray - now I just use a cream and that's it. I still only have to style it every other day, just as before, but I've now got my product down to one thing instead of a whole salon cocktail for my tresses. 3) I have curly hair that is practically maintenance free. I feel like I can say that when I'm no longer washing it as much. I don't wake up looking like the movies, but who really does that anyway? I feel like a hipster though and that's saying something coming from me.

So, I guess, in retrospect, I should've trusted the curly hair expert stylist. And tipped better too.

Easter Thoughts: Hymnbook style

2011-04-24T22:57:00.000-04:00

There are quite a few Hymns we sing in my church that have to do with articulating our faith in Jesus Christ (well, actually all of them do) and his Resurrection (most). It's interesting to me how differently these songs affect me, while all having similar lyrics.

Today, we sang "I know that my Redeemer Lives." This song talks of the love and peace and comfort that this truth brings. In every sentence comes a tribute to how Jesus Christ makes our lives more livable ("comfort me when faint", "grants me daily breath", "silence all my fears", "calm my troubled heart"). Sometimes when I sing this song, it really increases my gratitude for the depth of the Savior's love for all of us, to do all of those things. Even more importantly, we can live again with our Heavenly Father, and overcome this lives trials and tribulations because He lives. "Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives; I know that my Redeemer Lives." This song has really touched me at different points in my life because I think that it does speak to the individuality of our relationship with Him.

Another hymn "I Believe in Christ" is a regularly sung favorite. For me, this song articulates the depth of emotion involved with living life. It speaks of Christ's divinity and life mission, and then explains why one would want to worship Him: "He is the source of truth and light." "I believe in Christ, He ransoms me." Life is not easy, but believing in Christ makes it endurable. This song doesn't argue that it goes away; we still have to struggle. "And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: Ye shall obtain." Finally, something that I always believe and strive to follow is the idea that "I believe in Christ, so come what may." Or as Apostle Joseph B. Wirthlin would say, "Come what may and love it." This song also leaves me triumphing with the knowledge that the act of belief is a huge part of faith.

"How Great Thou Art" is sung almost every Easter (well, at least it was sung last Easter as well as this one). The first two verses talk about the works and wonders of God's creation which really speak to the little part of me that's truly granola. The third verse, "And when I think, that God His son not sparing, sent him to die, I scarce can take it in, that on the cross my burden gladly bearing He bled and died to take away my sin." It ends on a more joyous note, with our eventual return to live with our Heavenly Father. "Then sings my soul" closely explains how I feel when I sing this song. It also happens to be a family favorite (Grandma's, Mom's, Uncle's).

And finally, the one that was sung every Easter until I was a teenager, and is probably not sung now because I've been in singles wards with other young people who have grown up somewhat jaded by the far too often sung hymn "I Stand All Amazed." If there truly was an Easter hymn to be sung, this would be the one. "Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me. I tremble to know that for me He was crucified," explaining so fully the need for a Savior, the confusion that we would be so loved that He would suffer so much for just one of us to return to Heaven. Especially when "to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine. That He should extend his great love unto such as I," I feel that way so often. It's on a frequent basis that I don't fully accept and apply the atonement in my life yet, He still died for me. "I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt, such mercy such love and devotion can I forget?" I hope not.

So, He is Risen. My Reedeemer lives.
Happy Easter.

An end to things: Published

2011-04-24T21:02:00.001-04:00

Remember how there were very many many many many posts about the science project that I was working on for many many many months that became a year?

Well, it's published.

In the end, I think that I can say that this project was long, rough, unexpected and really did make me a better chemist. I find that now encountering really really good first results sends me into a cautious, "let's see if this is really real" response, but getting instantly good results followed by years of hard work seems to be something I needed to be prepared for. My advisor told me I was "very old" and "bitter" because I don't get instantly fired up about my results, but I think that's because every time I went into her office I reported the happy, moving forward picture and kept positive about it while posting here and commiserating with friends about my sleepless nights and fits of insanity.

So, with being published, it's now done. I'm really happy that in the end it all worked out.

A much needed Conference?

2011-04-04T22:45:00.000-04:00

Just getting back from Sunny Southern California! I was there for part conference-part vacation and really enjoyed myself for the majority of the time (I'll admit to not loving the part where I wore high heels for two days - ouch). I got to stay with my grandparents too (who are moving soon, so it was the last time I'll be at their house there).

This conference hosted about 18,000 chemists from across the nation! I got to meet up with now graduated labmates, friends from Lindau 2009 and a good friend from 2006. I got to hear talks from the "big-hitters" in the organic chemistry field and also follow up on my own burgeoning interest in heterogeneous catalysis. My graduate advisor got some swanky awards and I even got to meet up with my undergraduate advisor. These are good people in my life, with sound advice. Oftentimes I feel they may have sky-high expectations, but overall, I do believe that they want the best for me and are willing to help me get it. I loved being there! Listening to chemistry, presenting my own chemistry, talking chemistry, swapping chemistry gossip and betting on how to balance the best of life with the best of chemistry. We didn't come up with the answers for everything, but I came away recharged to take on my new projects and realized how amazingly blessed I've been with the education and opportunities I've received up to this point. I think the future looks bright for chemists everywhere, and I'm excited to contribute!

And then, to Disneyland and the beach.

Disneyland was great! It was a really hot day, but a really good time. I haven't been since I'd gone with my sister and friend from college, so it was good to get back. I now know that little girls (ages 5-10) can go get all done up at a princess shop in fantasyland. It's all the rage. In addition, I met up with my old roommate! Gosh I love that Angela! Didn't get a picture though. Forgot my camera at home, oops!

Of course, I loved the beach. Despite it being super overcast, windy and maybe only 74, I loved it. (Maybe more than Disneyland although that margin is small.) I love the way the waves sound, and I love how the sand feels so warm on bare feet. I wish I'd been braver, or worn shorts to go in the water more, but it was really cold.

Also, I slept a lot. It was good to sleep and felt good to be on a "grown-up" schedule. I was up at 6:30 or 7 am all week long and in bed by 10:30 latest probably 11. I think my new "habit" for the month is to try to keep on a more grown up schedule.

I needed a vacation. This was a really really good one.

it's the little things

2011-03-10T10:24:00.000-05:00

Apple fixed the only feature about my ipod that I didn't like. I can now skip songs with ease. I now am 100% satisfied with their product.

There's a positive correlation between my ability to surf my music and my level of happiness while in lab.

Submitted.

2011-02-18T15:19:00.000-05:00

The best conversations happen around 3 pm on Fridays:

Are you normal yet?
It's Submitted!!!
Oh good! Did you go get ice cream?
Yeah. {2-3 sentence explanation of my weekend including work that needs to be done.} So I'll be normal by monday.
You won't be normal by monday. You're pretty messed up. You'll be pretty messed up for a while.
{laughter} Maybe you're right.

Cheers to the last 1.5 years and here's to the waiting to hear back...

Three O'Clock

2011-02-11T15:10:00.000-05:00

"I'm going to go buy some happiness. Want to come?
"How much does happiness cost?"
"About $1.50."
"Wow, happiness is really affordable."
"You coming?"
"No, I gotta set up a reflux."
"That doesn't sound like happiness."

Lessons Learned from Lab

2011-02-05T22:45:00.000-05:00

I haven't really reflected much about lab and life lately, so I think I will do that here:

First, a coworker was talking about isolating an inorganic complex. She had already succeeded in obtaining the more difficult of the two analogous complexes (the one in a higher oxidation state that is significantly less stable). Currently, she was having a bit of trouble getting the more reactive and supposedly more stable of the two isolated. Laughingly she said "And this isn't even supposed to be the hard part!"

How often does that happen? It seems to me that, often enough, I find that I am surprised by how well things go that are supposed to be really hard, and then when the effort is put forth to do the "less hard" analogous thing, I am shocked to find that it's more difficult than the "more hard" thing. Luckily, the lesson learned from lab, is to just laugh, accept that it is hard, even though it's not supposed to be and keep trying it.

2 Second, every now and then, I will find myself walking to an instrument room here or there and will find myself looking into lab doors that are open along the way. At least once a week, I see someone dancing a little bit at their workspace or hood. It makes me happy to know that I am not the only one dancing in lab. Seems to me that it's a great way to make standing on your feet for a long period of time seem less of a long time. And, it makes other people smile if they catch you.

Third, interactions with others are surprising (both good and bad). Chemists in particular are somewhat awkward when walking down the hall, and often look at their shoes, or whatever printed document they are holding so that they don't have to acknowledge you all the way down the hall. Then they seem to time the looking up in acknowledgment with their walking velocity so that they have minimal interaction time. There's not really an analogy for this, other than that it's awkward and needs to become less common. The worst, is catching someone counting the dots on the grid of the absorbent material they picked up for a chemical spill. Really? Is that necessary?
Despite these two unrelated examples of surprising bad - there is surprising good too. When someone you haven't talked to in a while joyfully mentions they visited your home state and loved it. Or someone asks you about how your job search is going and you are able to ask them about theirs, and despite the despairing job market, you both come away hoping the best for the other person and really feeling that you work with a bunch of great happy people.

4 Fourth, seems like the little things always get in the way. I have to do dishes way more often than I like to, and taking out my solid and liquid waste seems like a never-ending task but these things need to get done. And, something to be learned from lab that is entirely applicable to life in general, is that the people who share those same resources really appreciate a quick turn around time when it comes to getting these "chores" done.

Fifth, it's been really hard to go to work every day and feel like more than 50% of the stuff I have tried has failed. That's generous; it's more like more than 80%. However, I have to keep remembering that I have been learning from all the failures. Although most days I may feel like a worse chemist for it, I'm learning things that I probably wouldn't have learned any other way - or at least not as quickly, and the lesson wouldn't have stuck around as long since the pain feels so real. I can say that now because I think I'm okay with it. I've come to terms with the fact that failure is not necessarily failure unless I claim it to be so. All my failures are really just lessons getting me to think harder and quicker and better than I did up to that point.

And it seems like that is a good lesson to learn from working in a lab indeed.

TED does it again.

2011-01-23T22:16:00.000-05:00

makes me happy.

Here's to the New Year!

2011-01-13T13:28:00.001-05:00

See that link up there (in the title)? I love it. Go ahead and click it if you have time...

According to my Naked Juice Smoothie, today I'll have consumed:

22 strawberries
1 1/3 bananas
1 3/4 apples
and a little bit of orange.

Which is more fruit than I think I've consumed in the past 4 weeks combined.

Still going at life and the pursuit of happiness. (Regrettably, there's not much to be said about liberty at the moment.) But, I figure, I'm closer than I've ever been.

Here's to the New Year!

Handful of Holes

2010-12-15T16:38:00.000-05:00

I've felt like blogging for a while now. I'm so so so so so infinitely so excited to get home for the holidays! Turns out the project that I've been working on for what feels like forever is also infinitely undetermined as to when it wants to be done. People ask "how's it going" and my most accurate response as of late has been that "there's a handful of holes. i'm still working on it." This is not a useful response in terms of when i'll be finished or where i actually am, but as a co-worker pointed out "better a handful than a bucketful."

i'm going to dwell on that.

I hope you are getting to gear up for the holidays in the proper way. As for me...back to work.

Molecular Disobedience

2010-11-08T00:45:00.000-05:00

My lack of blogging has not been from a lack of interesting things going on, however, it may have something to do with the noncompliance of the laws of nature to my independent will.

So much of what I do relies on the timeline of "science" which is completely not up to me. Molecules, for the most part, behave how they will regardless of your sweet-talking, threatenings, or silent indignation. An invited lecturer recently stated something to the effect of "When everything you are trying is not working, it is sometimes best to just stop, and go read the literature, or give it enought time to be able to look at the problem with a fresh perspective." I take this is be similar to the sentiments of, "Just give in to the molecules. Figure out what they want. The molecule is always right." It seems that in general, projects move faster, motivation stays intact longer, faces are happier, when you just give in to the will of "science".

That's been my recent approach, and finger crossed, it seems to be working a little better. As a result, the non-orthodoxy of my current work lends to teach me news ways to think about traditional methods which is never a bad practice. I guess it's a good way to see that the disobedience is not necessarily a bad thing if it's taught me good lessons.

Now if only I could get the molecules to tell me what they want, instead of trying to just figure it out by process of elimination.

Tales.

2010-10-23T00:27:00.000-04:00

I recently watched "Into the Woods."

I couldn't get into line fast enough to see the Musical Theater production, however, the online streaming version with our good friend Bernadette was a most spectacular substitute (thanks Brady!). As it turns out, I really love fairy tales. They seem to make me happy or thoughtful, or just distract me enough that I can daydream a little. As it turns out, all does not end all happily ever after for everyone in "Into the Woods" although, I do agree with Brady on this one that "it matters how you count." Thinking back on it now, I am ok with that. Sometimes things are not perfect, and carefully wishing is probably best. Have you ever read the Grimm's version of your most beloved fairy tale? If you haven't, you're probably in for a jarring surprise. I think that's why I'm remarkably ok with the aforementioned play. Most of the fairy tales I know as they were written and not "disney-ified" are not so perfectly packaged. The terribly messy nature of them makes them more likable and human.

I do love fairy tales. There was a play I saw once called "Secret in the Wings" which was similar to "Into the Woods" except it wove seven stories instead of four. This was before I had found Grimm's too, so I was unfamiliar with a number of these stories. From this play I have gathered the quote "you must love a thing before it becomes lovable" which I believe was in reference to the Beast of the tale of "Beauty and" but I think it's true of fairy tales too.

And maybe, it's not so far reaching for me to suspect that my liking of fairy tales (the somewhat messy ones especially) must be closely linked to how sometimes I feel that maybe I too am like a fairy tale - and maybe we all are. Sometimes it has to be told and familiar and loved before becoming it.

Charlie Horse

2010-09-19T00:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wake up before my alarm goes off. This is a rare occasion as I have been sleep deprived for years and there seems to be no end in sight for catching up. When this surprising wakefulness occurs, I either feel rested and get up (unlikely outcome) or am shocked and use it as an opportunity to lay in bed and continue to sleep until my alarm goes off and then proceed to hit snooze and sleep some more.

In these moments before I wake up, where I'm still pretty sleepy and trying to overcome my love affair for my mattress, I sometimes stretch a little. The kind of stretch where you know you're awake and not supposed to be so you will yourself to move just a little to be sure it's not a dream. Stretching is the worst idea ever.

Every other month, at least once if not more that month (despite the number of bananas ingested in said month) I get a charlie horse in my calf. Usually these jolt me out of slumber and I will often tell it to be gone (luckily I have my own room). Rubbing at my calf, I try everything just short of getting out of bed because it's cold and I'm sleepy. These spasms sometimes last as long as 20 seconds (which is really long from sleep to 20 seconds of pain). I am not sure because I haven't self-tested, but I think that these muscle spasms start from the flexing. Either way, the muscles in my calf stay sore for at least 2 days afterwards. Any morning this happens, I usually sleep in an extra 30-50 min, just to give myself some recovery time. "I deserve to sleep in and start this day over" I usually say to myself.

Whatever makes them start, I have a suspicion that I will start to rethink my sleepy stretching.

Yeah Baby yeah! or Baby, you can drive my car.

2010-08-26T00:18:00.001-04:00

It seems that everyone must have a band/singer/artist that they LOVE, while everyone around them decries the obvious terrible flaws of said band/singer/artist. However, despite all protestations - we still love them. With all our hearts. I'm not saying that you are number 1 fan of this artist, and maybe you really only know the greatest hits. But, it makes you happy and therefore brings a huge grin to your face.

I will admit, publicly and loudly and with very little shame (although there's still residual bashfulness) that I LOVE Pat Benatar.

So putting out the $15 to see her live, in her ripe old age of 57 was FANTASTIC! And even though she held notes out instead of hitting them because her range was gone, I still loved it.

She was the opener for REO Speedwagon. Although I'm not that into REO Speedwagon (REO standing for Ransom Eli Olds - the bands founder, also the founder of Oldsmobile) I was entertained by the lead singer (Terry?) seemingly to end his phrases with "yeah baby" or "dudes."

So yeah baby yeah, loved that concert!

I drove us there and drove us back. I have a used car that I love to drive. It gets me around town. I have a great relationship with my mechanics that tell me not to put too much money into it. I do regular oil changes and check ups. The car initially cost less than my computer (although with all things considered, it's now probably costed more). However, it has its downsides too. Sometimes, when it's cold, it will completely stall out. The dashboard lights must be going too since there's a tendency to flick on and off occasionally. Both things just happen when the car feels like it. On the way back, something got loud. Really really loud. The loudness was on the order of me being pretty positive that we were going to EXPLODE and DIE. Maybe I would have been less nervous if my car and I had a reliable relationship, but that's not how I roll. The backseat passengers (who had legitimate knowledge about cars) said it was the muffler. I couldn't believe them - it just seemed TOO LOUD. And they didn't know my car like I do. I think people with normal cars (or maybe who are just normal people) don't listen all the time to their car. I've trained myself to listen really really carefully in case something happens and I have to explain it to my mechanic or the Click and Clack Brothers. Because of this, you can imagine how incredibly loud the sounds were to me.

I got home, and the next morning crawled under my car. The seam where the exhaust pipe was connected to the catalytic converter had ripped apart. Apparently this is called a "hole" but I think when they are completely disconnected it should be called something else. When I got to my trusty mechanic and explained it - they directed me to a different place explaining they don't weld - they just replace. So, on I go to the new place, which gets my car raised in the garage within 5 min of me being there, brings me into the garage to see the part that needs "fixing", explains the metal is thin, and after I talk a little with words such as "cheap" and "old" and "temporary," accepts that I just want to weld it.

40 min later, it's done. The owner says "How about you give me a $10 that I'll give to the tech and we'll call it even?"

I pay in cash.
The deal is done, my car is once again silent.

Quoting the Beatles "Beep beep. Beep beep, yeah!"

Symmetry Operations

2010-08-23T02:01:00.002-04:00

I was thinking about inorganic coordination chemistry. You can slice molecules into symmetry planes and rotational axis depending on the arrangement of atoms in space.
I think at some point, I started applying this to my family:

Line of symmetry in number: 3 older, 3 younger.
Rotational axis (C3) with letters that start names: 2 K's, 2 E's, 2 A's.
An inversion plane: The 2 younger then the 2 oldest.
C2 rotational axis: The "twins". The A-team.
C3 rotation axis according to birth order: The oldest boy/girl. The middles. The youngest girl/boy.
Non-symmetric grouping: Marrieds, Missionaries.
A number of C1 axis that are a bit personal.

I can't think of all of them, and certainly there are flaws in my notation.

In chemistry the way the spacing is the only thing that matters.

In families, birth order, circumstances that shaped your "growing up" years, personality, opportunity and other things possibly factor into how you are similar or dissimilar. Also, I think that unlike inorganic coordination chemistry where those planes of symmetry are set, the different similarities in family can change over time with one rotational axis replacing another or a new mirror plane evolving as different life events happen.

I do have to say that I'm pretty happy that I have the family I have. It's interesting to me that we are all so very different - or seem to be. It's not until I started thinking about all the different ways to slice the similarities that I really began to appreciate how interconnected and actually similar we all are and how those similarities are expressed in our interactions.

Newport Update: Soon

2010-08-09T00:20:00.001-04:00

I have a feeling that this picture represents how I am feeling most.

But for now, the update: I had a great time with my sister and brother-in-law in Connecticut. We painted her soon-to-be-here baby boy's dresser and it looks great! After going out to eat, introducing me to a new game, and getting ice cream, ironically enough it was a DUI check point weekend again. As opposed to last time I visited, this time we didn't get pulled over, thank goodness (haha). It was really really refreshing and wonderful to spend time with two really really great people that I'm blessed to count as family!

The conference was great (that's what the deadline was counting down to). I learned a lot, met a bunch of people, slept little, drank more sparkling water than ever, and tried to eat lobster unsuccessfully.

In terms of experiments - well, I don't have the numbers, but you can take my word for it - that I did take an inordinate number of NMR spectra and accomplished all that I needed to get done. I'm actually kind of amazed with how much got figured out. In fact, I was pretty calm 24 whole hours before schedule. It was amazing. I attribute most of the amazingness to a God who loves me (us).

And now, well now, it's back to the grind. And here I am - procrastinating the start of a very long next 3 weeks. New deadline you know, always a new deadline.

A Return to Numbers.

2010-07-07T21:28:00.001-04:00

Did 18 in 3 days.

Deadline: 7.27.10

20 days left: too many expts to count...

Flight to see Sis 7.30.10 ~14:00

Here's to hoping miracles still exist...

Fish inquiries?

2010-06-20T14:10:00.003-04:00

I added the fish application to my blog. I couldn't help it. There it was and I thought to myself "why not?"

I almost named them too.

You know how pearls are formed? A little grain of sand gets into an oyster/mollusk and rolls around and around until it becomes useful and worth something. This is an extremely useful analogy for how my mind works the majority of the time (>82%) when thinking about decisions. The analogy falls apart quickly because the pearl formation probably has a smooth growth vs time trajectory throughout the process, whereas the time committed to ideas rolling around in my head/getting started process compared to the time they take to become an action is most definitely stepwise. Thus, not a perfect analogy.

I think I want fish although I am still trying to decide if this is a good thought/idea, or should be spit back out. I think if this thought persists for much longer (it's been rolling around for about 3 months if I were to be completely honest and include the time that I've ignored it) I might have to take drastic measures.

While I was looking up fish, I found this link to be pretty interesting/ridiculous. Maybe you will too.

Luminescence

2010-06-19T01:17:00.002-04:00

I didn't grow up where there are fireflies. In my head they made luminescent patterns for long periods of time similar to a glowing suspended highlighter twirling through the sky at dusk. I think, because of me thinking of them as having this more sustained glow, I never really liked using lightning bug to describe them. Now that I've seen them, lightning bug describes them a little better, but I still prefer firefly.

A few years back, when I was seduced into science at a large national conference, I listened to an entomologist describe his contribution to the field of insect chemistry. It was there I learned about the steroids in fireflies that are not tasty to predators and are a huge part of their defense mechanism. Also, since female fireflies (photuris) are not born with their own steroids, they must get them somehow. So, they imitate male mating signals to attract, kill and devour them (like in that picture). This way the female fireflies can incorporate the steroids into their own systems and pass them on to their (male) young. It really changed the way I thought about the back and forth in the flashing signals, and now when I look at all that sparkling prettiness I just keep the fact of a little too much femme fatale going on filed way back in my mind.

This year, I've already seen them out flashing and glowing. It's funny because to me they look like slow awkward black mosquitos, and when I see one flying and am not so sure, I'll stop and give it about 20 seconds to see if it will flash. As I was running at twilight, I wondered what would happen if one flew in my mouth. Would my mouth go all luminescent for a second? Would I get sick from the steroids? Even with all of this thinking and not painting them in their usual magical light - they make me smile. I get so happy when I see them, that sometimes I can't help to laugh out loud even when I'm by myself.

It wasn't until last year that I learned about synchronized luminescence. Some of these fireflies form quorums and glow in rhythm together. Secretly, one day, I really hope to see it. I can only imagine the awe and wonder and would count it as a clear indication of God's love for His children. On a weedy clover pocked hill by the house I saw more than twenty and even though they were not fluorescing all at the same time, there was a randomness to the glowing that stopped me in my tracks. I felt kind of silly and tried to stifle my ear-to-ear grin when I saw a person come up behind me. Couldn't help it though.

Isn't bioluminescence fantastic? This is one example of how, for me, knowing the science behind this phenomena makes it even more fascinating.

Five: A set of lyrics for every emotion.

2010-06-13T00:10:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about what I've been listening to lately. I mentioned to a roommate that a lot of it was kind of emo/down but she mentioned that my video collection was completely opposite (full of really cheesy romantic comedies). Then we got into a conversation about ying and yang.

However, these songs are currently on a favorites/replay list. They either make me happy, or remind me of good things or I like the band and it happens to be a favorite from them.

1) Reminding me to have resilience: Bulletproof - La Roux.

This one's got a catchy beat. I checked into the rest of her stuff and I didn't like it, but this song I'm not tired of yet.

"Been there, done that, messed around. I'm having fun don't put me down, I'll never let you sweep me off my feet. This time baby, I'll be bulletproof'"

2) Irrational love: Inside and Out or Piste 9 - Feist

Reminds me of my "Aussie" brother since he introduced it to me, also, when I went home for Christmas, my Dad asked if it was something that "Aussie" had composed. I laughed at the irony. It's also got a catchy beat, and the lyrics are just kinda fierce.

"I ain't no vision, I'm the girl who loves you inside and out, backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out. I love no other way."

"Too many heartaches in one lifetime ain't good for me."
"Don't try to tell me that it's over. I can't hear a word I can't hear a lie. No girl could love you more and that's what I'm cryin' for; you can't change the way I feel inside. You're the reason for my laughter and my sorrow. Blow out the candle I will burn again tomorrow. No man on earth can stand between my loving arms and no matter how you hurt me, I will love you till I die."

3) A little angry, but totally in control despite the let down: Breakin' Up - Rilo Kiley

I laugh listening to the first couple lines.

"It’s not as if New York City burnt down to the ground once you drove away. It’s not as if the sun won’t shine when clouds up above wash the blues away.

"Here’s to all the pretty words we will never speak. Here’s to all the pretty girls you're gonna meet. . . . Revenge is the saddest thing, honey, I’m afraid to say you deserve everything."

4) Regret, Confusion, Determination: Time Turned Fragile - Motion City Soundtrack

Despite Joshua's proclaimed love for them, I'm still claiming I liked them way before his claim went public. (Other favorites from MCS are Everything's All Right, The Future Freaks Me Out,Can't Finish What You Started, and Antonia.) Also, especially for this song, sometimes MCS just kinda hits close and explains way better than I could.

"These are the things I think about when I'm alone without you. I wonder of your whereabouts and hope like hell you're happy where you are. I'm alright, I'm alright. I can see through everything you say, and all the lessons I never learned...You used to say that you're just fine, but I still wonder all the time."

5) Other songs that I like for various reasons (you're on your own for what you get out of the lyrics and feel free to judge me how you will) Electric Feel-MGMT, Haven't Met You Yet-Michael Buble, Walking the Dog-Fun., My Only Offer-Mates of State, Stacks-Bon Iver, Skinny Love-Bon Iver, This Too Shall Pass-OK GO, and M79-Vampire Weekend.

I never really ask readers for input, but, I have one today because I really like new music. Do you have a song that you have on repeat that you think I would like? Or from the bands listed, what's your favorite song by them?

May Silence = Summary Hiatus; No Numbers

2010-06-02T00:01:00.006-04:00

Not a lot going on so a little silence was necessary. However, here's the highlights:

Dream REEL: {1} Limo-type Airplane ride next to Susan Sarandon. On the layover I grabbed a book from the library they brought to us(?) about Loh. Loh happens to be a bread/craft substance you could use to make foodstuffs or make blades for fancy victorian type wind fans, scrolled chairs, fancy useful things that looked like "sch-laquered" wood. Nifty! {2} Juvenile deliquency after playing basketball. Fire, fire! Conspiracy theories against my really bad alibi. Too many cameos from different people in my life totally in character that I've still been afraid to check the trunk of my car just in case anything turns out to be true. Strange.

Barber Bro: Finished up and licensed! Couldn't be more happy for him, and he's such a good daddy. Go rockstar Ev! You'll always be one to me.

Let's go to the Movies (or rent): Is there anything else I do with my time?

{1} Leap Year - great, if you're not deluded into thinking that the man that you think you hate and think equally despises you is the man that you are going to go out of your way to propose to. With that being said, I liked it.

I Hate Valentines Day - hated it; however, it's one redeeming quality was that, sure, a five date policy sounds like a good idea for super relationship anxious people who are super afraid to go on date 1 not to mention dates 1-5 because they are sure it's supposed to end in marriage or it's a failed relationship. The argument to just label it from the beginning as "not a lasting relationship" in the first place seems like a good one....well, nope, it ended badly and she blamed it on her father.

Prince of Persia - Classic disney adventure movie. I liked it. I had no connection with the game, but the stuntwork I hear was pretty close to it. Referencing a friend who brought this observation to mind - it's very similar to Aladdin. This is good in that I'm a fan.

My Life in Ruins - despite hating Nia in I Hate Valentines Day, I like this one. Thinking back over all the content, I don't think that I would recommend it to my mother, but, I could tolerate it. It had its saving features even though it was a cliche filled movie - but that was the point I think.

Music: It's getting worse. D-town is getting to me. I'm amassing an embarrassing amount of hip-hop music. I'm trying really hard to check for content before I click buy, however, every now and then the entirety of a song reminds me that I need to go skim the lyrics before I go itunes happy.

Four Babies

2010-04-25T10:51:00.005-04:00

Dreamt of a baby born so hairy he had a full beard and mustache. It was very weird to see this little dark haired baby - I've seen hairy babies, but this dream baby was ridiculous. I don't really remember much else of the dream, except the image (now burnt into my brain) of this baby with a fumanchu. Why dreaming of babies?

Well, I became an aunt on Tuesday. Little Nixon James was a tiny baby, and so precious! There are adorable pictures out there of him in the ubiquitous terry cloth duckie robe. Even though every baby looks cute all bundled up to look like a towel duck, he looks the cutest.

A very close friend went into labor late Friday. After going to the hospital and talking with her for a bit, I went home, slept little, and then went back earlier than I ever get up on Saturdays. After peeking in for a moment, I let the almost-to-be-parents have their privacy and took care of some of my own errands. Coming back after two hours or so, yep, they were parents. I don't often feel homesick, but this was a clincher.

I take back everything I've ever said about babies. Maybe a few of them are misshapen and funny colored and alien looking, but the two this week were just perfect. The way they move and how they look, I guess not having first hand experience caused me to make up stuff in my head as something other than they actually are.

There are two more babies this year. One in July and one in September. My life is full of babies.

3.2003. Pt. Reyes Natl. Seashore

2010-04-12T01:26:00.006-04:00

As an undergraduate, I was somewhat ambitious and found myself involved in too many tasks, groups and clubs, almost all of which involved leadership roles. I was a closet introvert, thereby burning massive amounts of physical energy to augment the small pools of emotional energy used being an extroverted leader. One of the first leadership roles I held, leading a group of 12 on an Alternative Spring Break trip, these words helped me rise from gloom to hope. Even now, I find relevancy:

"Do you ever feel the need to write, to wonder, to think, to...

"I really don't know the motive of my pondering, other than maybe my fortune's been told one too many times in the course of a day. When your future has been decided for you, there's a sense of bewilderment and concern for the unknown. I wonder about taking on new roles. I wonder sometimes about the group connection on multiple levels.

"She was right, sometimes it is intimidating to get in there and expose a vulnerable part of yourself. I think this may be weirder due to unsaid expectations (of what?) Expectations of what I know, of what I can do, of who I am? What? That's unreal, but in a sense I know we've all felt the burden of these expectations even though the flip side of our reasoning forces us to realize our suspicions are unfounded. Most of our fears are imagined. Although, I do find some are valid but only to a small extent.

"The power of fear is remarkable. It can be a key component to the altering of ones actions. Change is good, but not if promoted by fear. Fear in all forms is not empowering, but crippling. I fear I haven't done enough, but at the same time, I fear that I may be doing too much. I want to be everywhere at the same time. I want to participate and laugh in parallel with running logistics. It seems like there is a double-standard. At this moment, I am mostly feeling over-emotional and needing a change.

"Maybe I need to change the way I have been simply watching things happen. Leading at this point means more than the logistics. I need to instead see a clearer picture of how amazing our group can be. Maybe, above anything else, I need to start seeing the amazing, looking for the fantastic, and then telling everyone all about it. Even if this experience is not what I initially thought it was going to be, it now is going to be better."

Three.

2010-04-12T00:41:00.006-04:00

"In what way is your life reflecting your testimony?" -E.R.

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can not hear a word you say." - R. W. E.

"Ours is a religion that requires us to walk by faith. If it was based on proven tangible fact - we would lose our agency. We are asked to believe." -K.S.

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T20:10:00.003-04:00

4 dozen eggs bought for dyeing

3 batches of egg salad

5 devoured deviled eggs

1 very awesome chocolate bunny

5 pink tulips that make me extremely happy

4 envelopes that need to go to the mailbox

1 brother returning from a mission in the next 9 days

2 babies being born before month's end

4 sessions of General Conference

1 really moving rendition of "I Wonder When He Comes Again"

2(5) successful(tried) new experiments that I haven't done before

3 experiments left not completely finished before Sunday that will need attention stat.

I'm fine, really. Just keeping up with the Jones's.

HAPPY EASTER!

Numbers 3

2010-03-22T01:59:00.005-04:00

9(12) shortest(normal) hourspan between leaving and returning to the lab (last week)

20 sets of experiments set up M-F

78 s.bars used

1 free "kiss me, I'm sober" T-shirt

21.5 miles to Hell, MI

> 7 "lust" word appearances in Because the Night

8 minutes for my sister to talk me down from "confirm-deny"

56 ca. balloons

3 dozen flowers

1 eggs benedict

3+1+1 shirts and sweater and running shoes purchased during retail therapy

12.5 hours required for exhaustion recovery

Numbers 2: Check Valve

2010-03-16T22:23:00.003-04:00

Unknowingly functioning as a check valve, my incredulous advisor disagreed with my claim that I was 4 weeks out. One can only sustain operating in lockdown at the suspected "4 weeks" point which inevitably is much longer and therefore lasts an indeterminate amount of time.

Just like that, I am out of lockdown until further notice.

Numbers 1

2010-03-12T01:40:00.004-05:00

95 drips/min from the shower in my bathroom

8/9 times I've forgotten to call the plumber/landlord

5 lbs that I have lost in the last 2 weeks

3/8 emails that I've sent personal (3) /business (8)

18 sets of experiments set up Mon-Sat.

10.5 average interval of time in hours between leaving and coming back to work

5 times that I've seen my roommates for more than 20 min

2 episodes of Chuck

4 really bad covers of well known songs that i've heard on the radio

Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, _______

2010-03-07T23:00:00.001-05:00

I believe that we have come to the book of Numbers.

Genesis took us through the beginning of the blog days way back when, the creation and all that. Exodus took us out of a state of crystal blue skied winters and into the wintery gray tundra. Leviticus sometimes described the nature of my work and the ups and downs that come with it. Now Numbers.

My life has recently been affected by the necessity of focus. When I focus, I tend to gravitate to numbers. Therefore, for a short/or long season I will keep it to the numbers. When I read this book in the bible, I would keep my own account of the tally with the ancient prophets. The sum of my numbers always would match theirs. Imagine that.

Feel free to ignore me for a little while.

I'll never be in T&C

2010-02-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

While I was getting my biannual strep check-up in December, I was thumbing through magazines in the waiting area. I happened to be thoroughly perusing Town & Country when I made it to the back pages of the magazine. This is often where ads for self-tanners and vacation packages are kept, but to my surprise, this was a completely different type of ad! Maybe for all the posh magazine readers out there, this does not come as unexpected, but there are marriage announcements back there!

I wish I could remember the names of some of these people, but it seemed that if you were a "Rockefeller, Clinton, or Gates," there you were, with your Groom or Bride beaming in the back of a magazine! Some of these were polished, 30-somethings who had finally found their soul-mate, while others really looked like they had met through match.com or had even (should I really say this?) mail order brides (gasp). It was unfathomable to me! I knew that long ago (or maybe even now) folks used to publish that kind of thing in newspapers and such, but now, late 2009, that continues to be a tradition in some form today?

So then I did what any twenty-something female would do (after taking note of what kind of wedding dresses and colors and suits/tuxes they chose to wear) but start imagining who these people were. Maybe they came from a long line of lawyers, some kind of D.A.R. child, ivy leauger, or maybe offspring of a politician or business tycoon. This is when I came to the realization, that no - I will not be in the back of a T&C. I guess some girls dream of that, but this woman (who is not so perfectly put together) is not going to be waiting for "Mr. Town & Country", despite his maybe beautiful hair, possibly sexy self and probably dreamy Ken-doll smile with perfectly white teeth to match. If you are a Town & Country man who is going to ask me out, crumple something before you get to my door just to show a little humanity.

Addicted to "Quil"

2010-02-27T00:34:00.005-05:00

I get sick one or two times a year. I often get checked for strep because of two reasons: 1) I am prone to strep and usually do end up with it at least once every two years, and 2) if it is strep - I can have my symptoms treated with drugs.

I was going to title this post "addicted to drugs" but I wasn't sure of the comments I would get, or what kinds of internet searches it would be included in, hence the modification. However, I am kind of a fan of drugs.

Don't misunderstand me though. I rarely take medication at all. I only use pain meds when my pain tolerance has been surpassed, and only ever take cold and flu meds when I am sure that I am thus afflicted. I do have my favorite diseases though, such as strep. It's a very organized disease. You get infected, you get diagnosed, you get drugs, you feel better, illness goes away. It's a very predictable 5 step sickness, thus, a favorite. I once got sick with some other kind of disease that made me lose my voice for a week. I had a very regimented medication program that was planned to have me cured within 7 days and 14 doses. This disease (fancy name that I can't remember) is also a favorite.

Then I have my favorite drugs - coldeeze, advil, and dayquil/nyquil. I swear by these as they are my go-to drugs. Like old reliable friends that are there to remind you of better days, they always come through for me. I can often cure my cold (or at least significantly reduce the severity and length of my symptoms) just by proper dosage. I am careful with the "quils" (caution: they are very toxic to the liver) but I do use them to help me sleep, function during the day, and just elevate my mood in general. I also use two pillows when I'm sick. It seems to do wonders for the post-nasal drip.

If you want my opinion, take some nyquil and two pillows. (And I forgot this part but, decrease your daily energy effort to about 85% capacity - this is pretty critical. Even though I feel great, I make sure to let my body use up that other 15% to repair itself.) Mornings, dayquil. You should be feeling better in no time. I know I always do.

I prefer my enantiomer, thank you.

2010-02-07T23:36:00.009-05:00

Handedness, chirality, enantiomers. I've been thinking about this a lot. I think that I am right about it, however, it's the same feeling one gets when they hear their recorded voice and think to themselves "that isn't how I sound, is it?" But, the truth is, that is how you sound to everyone but you. This feeling, this truth, extends to how we see things also. I wouldn't have felt so strongly about it except for the following observation, which I will tell through an easy experiment that can be done with a MacBook (I think it may work for other programs, but I haven't tested it).

A better handle on photogenicity (or figuring out your best smile) can be attained with the program Photo Booth. If you look into the camera then take a picture, the picture saved will be the mirror image of what you see. I tilt my head right, but the picture tilts my head left. What you see in the mirror is flipped horizontally from real life. In other words, if you look in the mirror - freeze that image there and try to superimpose yourself (turn around and match up you with the freeze frame) it's impossible. An even simpler image is to face your left and right hand palm to palm. Now try to flip your right hand the same way as your left and match finger for finger - cannot be done since your thumb and pinky will be in each other's way.

So that's chirality. And I'm very comfortable saying that I prefer my enantiomer. I tried parting my hair on the other side to trick myself into looking more like what I saw, but to no avail. I still prefer my mirror image. As I've said, I've thought about this a lot, and after giving up the fact that I can't trick or bypass reality, I've gotten used to it. It's an easy excuse for why I don't like how I look in pictures most of the time, why I sometimes feel like something is a little off, etc. I just expect to see the enantiomeric me, and I keep seeing the wrong one. I'm getting used to it, the same way I finally am used to my voice. Don't get me wrong, this is a simple truth that I've known about forever, but there's not been so obvious an example until my recent MacBook purchase.

Readers, I am leaving you with an image of my enantiomeric face. Just realize that the one you are used to, is not the me I prefer. But, I can't blame you for that; it is simply the reality of chirality.

Volatility...

2009-12-09T00:48:00.003-05:00

After feeling really grateful after thanksgiving, I caused deliberate destruction of a number of things in my life. I nominate too much free time as the main cause, or maybe a subconscious decision to shift focus on uncomfortable happenings in my life that I can't impact to other uncomfortable scenarios that I can change and then deal with the ramifications of said decisions and actions.

However, this picture sums up my last 12 days: "When all else fails, blow it up real good."

I'm wondering whether this will also work for sorting out optimal conditions for my current reactions. If anyone needs hints on how to cause self-implosions, I'm at the top of my game. I think the fall out may last a couple more weeks, and the after effects may persist longer. I wonder if the remorse of my actions is a small percentage of how it might have felt when other explosions happened that were justified as "for their own good."

All I can say is, volatility seems to be a persisting character flaw this year. Good thing it's almost the new year - time to make some resolutions.

Gratitude = Seeing Your Face.

2009-11-29T23:27:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone. This year was another year spent with friends in the area (who were excellent stand-ins for the missed family at home). Due to terrible timing of a deadline, I did not run the turkey trot (and therefore broke a "tradition" of 1 year) but did get in my second annual flag football game. It was freezing, but thoroughly enjoyable and entertaining as multiple members of my team liked to draw up plays which we would then carry out with >35% accuracy. For some reason thanksgiving dinner was at 3 pm. Everyone kept asking "why 3?" but really, I think because it just seemed like a good time as any.

What am I really thankful for this year? Skype. I know, I'm a sell-out, however seeing my darling sister's face after over a year really makes me happy and grateful. Couple that with all the other faces that I miss so often every week that peek in to say hi makes this invention number 1 on my list. (I would include gchat video, but it has been an epic failure in terms of technology for our family). I love your face! I am so thankful for families. I'm lucky to have such an awesome one (I feel like that sentiment is widely expressed all over this blog, but I'll just put it here explicitly to squelch any doubt.)

I'm also thankful for turkey. I love turkey. Only the white good parts though. The other parts aren't even worth mentioning. I also love creamed corn. Lots and lots of it. There's lots of other things that I'm thankful about thanksgiving for - but right now, I'm sticking with Skype, turkey and corn.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Anonymity & Seriosity

2009-11-15T09:49:00.006-05:00

After posting about music (the format exclusively) I forwarded it on to my brother. I got a text back saying "Spice it up! You need pictures!" However, I don't know that I want to post a lot of pictures. Blogs aren't anonymous. Anybody can look this up and figure out who I am and then judge me based on my word choice, topic choice and logic. I realize that as this is a public forum, everything posted should be kept to the peak of good writing, logic and content. On the other hand, this is a low low priority for me to write, update and converse about random topics in a blog that very few people seek out to read. So, I'll still keep pictures minimal, but I'll try to "spice it up" for my brother and for those of you who don't read posts without pictures.

On a different "ity" recently a really good friend and I were talking about how we had changed over the past 10 or so years. I guess the one thing that he told me that I had changed a lot in was that I was more serious. I don't remember if he said it that way exactly, but after talking it through I think that's what it came down to. This was corroborated by my High School Bishop who I met up with at my best friend's wedding. He and his wife commented on it after only a few minutes of talking. But here's my defense - I am working average 11 hours a day 5.8 days a week. It gets a little rough to fight the seriosity in my life. I guess that I'm a little worried about the reversibility of the seriousness, however I think that with a little balance I can probably start to reverse the damage. Who knows? I'll keep you posted.

fun. and other musical celebrations

2009-11-09T22:08:00.005-05:00

Two days ago, I rediscovered my love for Nate Ruess's voice. However, let me start with a little history:

On family road trips, my oldest younger brother would often dominate the tunes. On one of the rarer occasions, all 8 of us in the car really liked one of the bands he played. The title of the album was "Interventions and Lullabies" which was the first studio album of "The Format." "The First Single" with its poppy lyrics and random clapping was played over and over with family clapping and singing aloud. This song was followed by "Tune Out" whose lyrics were a bit more questionable, but we all sang along anyway. The Format was one of the first bands that my brother and I agreed on. The rest of the family caught on to the trendy music a little quicker than I did. From there, my brother and I have traded music secrets every now and then (even though I haven't checked in recently).

With a emotional attachment to the band, I became very loyal. I visited their website, downloaded the songs, watched tour dates and the like. I waited intently for them to release their second album since I new all their songs by heart and needed new material. It happened that they were releasing their second album "Dog Problems" while on a road trip with my sister and best friend, so we picked it up. My youngest sister and I listened to it over and over again (much the chagrin of my best friend who I'm sure was tired of it) for the rest of the road trip. "Oceans" was a favorite tune just cause it was so needy but so catchy at the same time. Still a favorite. When I moved away I received two cards with the lyrics written down in full in them. No message, just lyrics to our favorite shared tune. So I rocked out to "Dog Problems" for years. Then, The Format broke up. I never made it to a show, and was pretty sad.

My brother told me sometime last Christmas that Nate Ruess was starting a new band named fun. He was pretty optimistic about it. I forgot about this until yesterday when I was thinking about music and cruising through the itunes store. I listened to the 30 sec promos and after liking most of them bought the album. After deleting the 1 song with the unnecessary expletive, I have listened in its entirety and can say that Nate and his crew have done it again. So, if you too want to enjoy the spectacular joy that the Format or Nate Ruess can bring you I would check out "Aim and Ignite" by fun. or either album that I've mentioned by The Format. I've listed my favorite songs involving Nate Ruess and the play count* that it has in itunes.

Thank you Nate Ruess for making my life that much more poppy emo punk.

Oceans (90)

The First Single (Cause A Scene) (74)

She Doesn't Get it (61)

Inches and Falling (29)

A Mess to Be Made (26)

Career Day (26)

I'm Ready, I Am (25)

Tune Out (22)

Snails (20)

I'm guessing the play count will get pretty high for:

Walking the Dog (3)

All the Pretty Girls (3)

*For a frame of reference, Oceans tops itunes playcount list with 90. There are approx. 134 songs between the top and snails at a play count of 20. There are about 2000 songs that I actually listen to in my library. About half of those have a playcount of 1-7 so are not listened to at all really.

Travel without money = Don't do it.

2009-11-04T15:34:00.002-05:00

Writing to you from New England. I am here for an internal science day at a pharmaceutical company (which I"m excited about as I'm sure it will be really informative and a good time). I present a poster tomorrow on my research over the past year. So, this is a good opportunity to do what chemists do best - trade secrets of science and network.

Oh, what is that about the title of this blog you ask? Well, in true self-style, I didn't replace my debit card to my wallet after going out yesterday and upon checking in at the kiosk - realized this. It was super bad luck. But, there was no time to go back home. On to the flight I went, and now in survival mode I checked and rechecked my wallet and found that there was $2.60 in change to my name. I had a great breakfast of biscoff cookies, peanuts and apple-cran juice which hopefully was enough to convince my body that we are not going to starve. Because a helpful co-worker had given me his Charlie card, I found that by subway $1.70 was enough to get to the hotel.

Once at the hotel - they wanted a debit card. Of course they did. After promising to not use any of the amenities, they put it on the card that it was reserved with (thank goodness or I'd be out on the street). Then I went out into the world to figure out how to get money - simply because I needed at least $1.20 just to get back home on the subway friday morning.

Upon finding a bank, I quickly realized the loyalty that banks require. They could do nothing for me because I wasn't a member of their bank. AND, come to find out wiring money is expensive. So, after going through at least 6 other plans for how to get me a little cash we didn't come up with a plan at all. Finally, after being DENIED to open an account due to some back-history that I didn't know about (which is good to know about so that I can spend the next 6 mos trying to figure out what the heck I did previously that has caused that) I left. One of my newly found friends slipped me the cash I needed so that I wouldn't have to pan-handle on the street.

So here I am in New England. $10 to my name. Good thing the pharma company is within walking distance.

A favorite thoughtful podcast: In Silence

2009-11-02T00:33:00.000-05:00

I really love Radiolab, most of the time. This podcast (WNYC - Radiolab » In Silence) was very interesting to me, because I think I was expecting something different for easter. I was expecting to disagree a lot more, but then, I thought there were a lot more interesting points than uninteresting points. The stories of Abraham and Noah are retold, in a very poignant and human way.

"Life is precious," . . . "a good man knows the weight of hurt when someone dies" . . . "he doesn't argue, he doesn't hesitate . . . he just goes without a word" . . . "why [don't they] say why?" . . . "why was I tested, why was I spared, do I matter, am I precious" . . .

"I just hope, in silence"

I'm really grateful that I don't have to hope in silence. I can ask why, I can get answers. We can find peace. And amid all the bad things that happen, there is hope, and there is faith, and that mostly faith comes through, and God is merciful and kind and just. Our frame of reference is sometimes too small to see the whole scene.

WNYC - Radiolab » In Silence

Disclaimer: Not all of the radiolab podcasts are like this one. They are usually hosted by Jad and Robert. I really like Robert. If you liked or even didn't like this podcast, I would recommend checking out other ones especially Emergence, Tell Me a Story, Where Am I, Blink.

I know what I know.

2009-10-15T00:38:00.008-04:00

It's wednesday. Enough has happened this week that I feel the need to document.

Monday started off with a huge guilt complex from the sleeping in all weekend. However, I got it together, did a number of things that put me ahead again for the week. No use catching up, just getting ahead since I figure what is done is done. Also, I got emails from both missionary siblings. It made me happy to hear from them.

Tuesday brought interesting results that spiraled into crazy frenetic happiness. Really really big highs, then lots of nervousness and frantic decision making to convince myself of the results. Does anyone else sometimes get so excited that they almost hyperventilate? (That might just be me.) So I scaled up, ran some controls and tried to contain myself.

There wasn't much to do after all that excitement but go to a presentation by a pharma co. and then return the hostage chicken eggs to a friend

(I had had them for about 1 week and they were causing me stress).

Wednesday I got in way early, which totally caught my co-worker off guard. Got free bagels and hot chocolate and off I was again. I worked pretty hard to convince myself of yesterday's findings. Even with all my determination, I have not yet ironed out the results. It might be because I'm trying to isolate ~40 mg of material. Do you know how little material that is? Plus, I'm not sure if it's volatile or not!!! So who knows if I do isolate it, if it just gets evaporated right back into the solvent from whence it came? I came home and reported to the roommates about failure and stress and then went back to set up some more experiments. Ironically this is 2 days after I talked to my mother who had told my brother that I was down to 9 hr work days instead of 12.

Ironic because today was a 14 hr work day. 14 hours and no results should really make me frustrated. However, to quote Paul Simon "I know what I know."

Watch out elusive molecular compound that I have yet to characterize! It's only a matter of time.

Sleeping in or "In love with sleeping"

2009-10-10T11:37:00.002-04:00

I love sleeping. I try not to love it as much, because I never get enough of it. However, weeks like this that happen and push all sleeping to the last priority possible remind me of how much I love sleeping. My internal clock comes back with a vengeance. Example: today, I slept soundly, soundly, until 11:30 am. I feel a little bad since I was trying to get to the lab fairly early and now it moves the hours in which I was going to get things done to be later hours. In all fairness - if your body says sleep and you don't wake up and it's a saturday, what can you/I really do?

I think that the other things that I do are jealous about how much control sleep has over me. This is why I try to keep it in check. I feel like I might be caught up though. Which is really nice for the first time this week.

reprise

2009-09-27T00:15:00.004-04:00

Even Ariel got a reprise to her "part of his world"... so here's mine. And, yes, posting must've helped a little since the headache is down to a minor annoyance.

I would say that at least 86.9% of my life is going well. Really well.

I have a great work environment/situation, and am working side-by-side with brilliant and socially balanced people for the most part. We celebrate birthdays, play music, joke, smile all while working purifying compounds, isolating synthesized starting materials and taking time points. I am getting a PhD from a really good school. I have friends at work. Ones who say hello, share chocolate after lunch and walk out to get smoothies. (Ok, I concede that that might all be the same person.) My advisor is a rock-star, not literally, but in the chemistry community she communicates her science very well, generates many ideas and teaches all of us how to be better scientists. We get along as coworkers and the drama factor is relatively low for the season.

I have an awesome living situation. Rocking the "live with strangers" situation over the summer was bearable and not something I'd do again, but living with my roommates now is incredible. It's just nice to be home, to say hello, to check in, to have sunday dinners and joke and talk and just be friendly, and listened to, and listen to. It's been a while since I could frantically knock on a door 20 min late to a meeting and get a ride and know that I won't be judged too harshly for it. (Thanks again by the way).

And part three - the church situation, it's good too. My calling is overwhelming, but doable. The relief society sisters are all awesome and fun to talk to. We all get along really well since there are lots of great folks to talk to. Plus, I'm finally taking an institute class again. First time back and serious about it since 2002. So, small steps, and maybe this isn't the most excellent situation - which could be part of the problem - but it's really not bad.

So, as for the other small percentage in those categories that's not so good, it's really not that bad - I think that "stowers" are dramatic. There's evidence in both sisters and a brother. I would say that it expresses itself in my mom a lot, and it's a genetic predisposition in my dad since it's rampant in my grandmother. So we'll chalk up my rantings to drama, and to crazy.

We'll now go back to our regularly scheduled program.

speechless

2009-09-26T02:43:00.008-04:00

It's 2:44 am. I've lost count of what number of Gilmore Girls episodes have played tonight. I started watching around 12:30 am, so it's not been too long and there's one playing now. Sometimes I just want to ramble and send things out to the world, thoughts that shouldn't be said and that I'll want to take back - so I'll keep it short.

My head's been hurting for about 3 days. I don't usually have headaches so sometimes I get a little worked up when they persist for a number of days. Brainstorming where it's coming from seems a little easy. It could be because I have(had) a literature meeting scheduled for saturday. A 20 min presentation is really not that big of a deal even when I picked the paper on monday (which is 3 days later than I usually pick a paper). Also, I didn't put together slides until yesterday and then just right when I was getting a little frantic about staying up until 3 am this morning to have my slides ready for tomorrow - the lit meeting was postponed until next week.

So, then I stay up until 3 am anyway (and not working on my presentation at all). But the headache persists. Then I'm thinking it might be the fact that I have a new coworker sharing desk space and opposite bench and hood space. I miss my old coworker. We used to talk back and forth, joke, kid, nothing was awkward, and we worked hard - both of us and got a lot done. Now, I am next to a very silent, very awkward (but well meaning), and over interested in being helpful coworker. I say over interested in being helpful because I tend to talk to myself and gasp and mumble and he takes it all personally as if he has the answers. I'm very independent; I know the answers thank you, so the situation bothers the heck out of me. I very conflicted. Conflicted because I'm not sure if I don't like him, or if I just don't like change. Furthermore, it seems that the pace is very different now that I've switched projects. I feel almost as productive as I was 3 years ago. I went from completely organizing my day down to the hour, to now feeling somewhat useless as I don't know what my pace is supposed to look like at all. This could also be part of the problem.

So even though I claim to be a happy graduate student, I feel otherwise. I'd be happy to deal with organized chaos at this point. Maybe I need a personal secretary for my chaos, or maybe I need a face mask and a pedicure since ice cream and retail therapy aren't working. So, now at 3:26 am and 1/2 way through yet another episode of Lorelai and Rory's bantering I just send this out to my family, friends and that random blog button in blogger. Not for you to say anything, but just for me to speak, to express the things that I really shouldn't say, and really shouldn't feel - but do.

I don't know if this is helpful to me, but I feel like I have a tendency to retell the same story over and over thus prolonging the emotion entwined in the tale. This one's needing a short lived life. And please, don't ask about work since I'm having a hard enough time on my own remembering that life exists outside of the lab

Don't stop till you get enough.

2009-08-19T23:44:00.004-04:00

I became really irritable when I had to start up kinetics again (boo) for the incoming reviews (yay), and then took it out on a happy co-worker (shoot). I got really over-ambitious about doing 12 experiments, when really all I had to do was 4. In the meantime, I deal with volatility of both my synthesized compounds and moodiness.

{sigh}

More Pictures from Germany

2009-08-06T23:06:00.000-04:00

While in and around Germany, I took many pictures. I already showcased some of my favorite buildings, but here, I must not leave out my pictures of other random European things.

One day we went to the Deutsches Science Museum (one of the premier Science Museums in the world) which was SO large, we didn't even see half of it in the 4 or so hours we were there. REgardless, the cell that we could walk into was great as was learning that the artwork from one of the strokes album covers is a physics electron experiment. Other great things was learning about a plant that takes algae and sunlight to make biodiesel, a huge chess game and a cameo of the BMS building in Munich.
Also, it was pretty weird to see bucky-balls in Salzburg in the oddest places. There was one in the middle of a traffic circle with a pear tree growing out of it (which I don't understand how they thought of that) and another one that didn't have the right proportions of carbon atoms and so it didn't quite fit right so they had it lying all over the place. It was pretty great, but unexpected.

On a different note, there were random things that were entertaining also, such as: the dressmaking shop with really modern looking traditional dirndls. I don't know when I would need one of those, or have the money to pay for it, but I really liked the display case. Furthermore, I think I would buy the one on the right.

Also, I caught one sunset while on Lindau island, and loved all the street signs everywhere. And signs for the shops. We went to a lot of castles, and in one of them was a hall of 32 painted "beauties" as determined by the king. The 4 pictured were a little scandalous. I can't keep who-is-who straight but one (1) was i think one of the king's mistresses (but they wouldn't admit to it) who got jealous of a woman pretending to be an actress from spain, one (2) got married and divorced 4 times and ended up with a sheik which I though was unique for those times, one (3) just had a nice dress, and the other (4) was penniless but the king just thought she was pretty. Chals is showing off our run in with the gazebo from Sound of Music, and yes, I checked if we could go inside and we could not. And finally, the beer-garden where I had my last german meal: a onion, sausage and cheese salad (no lettuce) drowned in vinegar with a pretzel and pickle on the side.

I think Chals started the fountains picture montage, but I went with it. I really do love fountains. Most are explanatory, but I think that the dandelion fountain is a favorite, and one of the only pictures I remember taking in stuttgart.

The island of mainau had a few fountains of their own, but mostly it was the gardens that were amazing. I'll save the flora for myself and not subject you to another one of these just about plants, but needless to say, the gardens were amazing on that island!

And finally, the statues. Most of which are self-explanatory, however, the saints are ones that I don't actually know of but it was raining, and we needed a break. They reluctantly agreed to have their picture taken, so that's that.
I was pretty excited to run into Copernicus at Mirabell gardens though. It was pretty unexpected. The other statues were more or less part of the trip.

The trip was really great! First time in Europe, so I really did have a good good time. Very much worth it even though I came home to a heaping pile of work.

I'll leave you with a great Copernicus quote:

"Therefore, when I considered this carefully, the contempt which I had to fear because of the novelty and apparent absurdity of my view, nearly induced me to abandon utterly the work I had begun."

Thanks for hanging in there Copernicus.

German Buildings: How Chemistry sneaks in Again

2009-07-24T00:20:00.009-04:00

I'm an architecture fan. Not so much a fanatic as this guy - who gets way excited about buildings everywhere and all the time, but still, I can appreciate a column or window pane here and there. I was seriously considering going into Art History as a major while a junior in highschool. There is so much to be expressed just in the facade of a structure. Here are some highlights from the trip:

The island of LINDAU was awesome. Very laid back, relaxing, and filled of sugar (at least for me). While not conferencing I was walking narrow streets, visiting towers with princesses, and one day we did get to go to Mainau where the castle was. (Yes, I realize that it looks like something other than a castle, but I did not name it.) I even ran into the missionaries at Lindau! I have a german pass-along card to prove it!

I met up with Chalsea and got to visit more of Deutschland. Heidelberg builders seemed to draw from the same materials since the burnt orange color was seen everywhere. Also, the university of Heidelberg is a very renowned school (at least in chemistry) having a handful of nobel laureates who have come from there. Despite this, it seemed like a college town in Europe, which was unexpected to me. I decided I didn't want to live there, compared to, Stuttgart which I enjoyed immensely. (No pictures though, sorry.)

And then there was Salzburg, and Hellbrun, and really everything good and lovely in the world. My doppelganger hopefully visits Salzburg all the time and wanders around the city, in the gardens, museums and churches. I heart Salzburg, even if everyone else already does, and I don't like to do what everyone else does, I can't help it.

And finally, churches. We went and visited Fraulein Maria (although she has been dead for a while) walked up many many stairs, peeked into churches and admired the elegant domes.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was still somewhat preoccupied with chemistry. I took the picture of the Hotel not because it was pretty but because the name is associated in my mind with a PI at a prestigious university. At one point, I was going through the pictures on my camera and almost deleted it, but then remembered that I took it for some reason! Weird. Finally, a chemistry lab from the late 1800's I think...I don't quite remember but it was beautiful. I would have loved to do chemistry all the time if my lab looked like that. It was so sunny and cheerful and humane looking (which is ironic since without the modern safety precautions, I'm sure they were breathing in toxic fumes and handling carcinogenic materials all the time).

Isn't Germany wonderful?

Comments on a Conference in Germany

2009-07-16T01:30:00.002-04:00

I spent the last couple weeks in Germany. En route, we stopped in D.C. which was great since I got to meet up with a very missed roommate. Since this trip was going to include a conference with Nobel Laureates, I couldn't miss the opportunity to take a picture with the Einstein sculpture. What an amazing scientist he was. Very long biography though - I've borrowed it from the library 2 x in my life and still have not made it all the way through.

Eventually we made it to Lindau. My transcontinental flight was really not that bad. I watched 3 movies and read up on all the Laureates that would be there. I'll post about the meeting later. I still haven't distilled all of the good bits of knowledge into a succinct package - so that will happen later.

On the island I saw this ad:

I decided then and there that I now am a collector. Can I be called a collector if I only have 1 item? The answer I have decided is yes. More elements to come! I've already heard of some shoes that are titled Palladium.

After the conference we went to the island of Mainau. It was absolutely gorgeous! They had an exhibit of commonly used furniture taken over by nature. I decided that this picture would serve as a lovely reminder for what my bathroom will look like if not cleaned often enough!

In addition to the flowers, petting zoo, castle and fountains on the island - there was a butterfly "house." It was so awesome. Blue, red, purple, green butterflies were everywhere! I have never seen so many butterflies, flying, eating, chasing, fluttering. They also had this plant which reminded me of a thneed bush alternative (if only the Lorax knew) for making thneeds from a Dr. Suess book.

One of my favorite butterflies was one with wings that looked like screen doors. Really expensive screen doors. I don't know how one flies with holes in your wings, but this one got around fine.

It may seem that all I did was view nature, art and ads, but I really did learn a lot from Germany. Now all that is left to do is to learn German. I hear that you can get free podcasts for that...so I'll have to get learning!

Readers Beware.

2009-07-16T01:18:00.002-04:00

A friend once told me that if you get too specific on your blog, you then alienate 1/2 of your readers. This is not my aim, but in the blogging community that I have found myself a part of, I have decided that I must simply be who I am despite the alarming consequences.

I am an organic chemist. I really do love arrow pushing mechanisms, the occasional retrosynthesis, and a really good kinetics problem. Though I often do not talk about these things, sometimes I want to, and then I can't because it's not relatable. And then I have to be creative, and entertaining, and write really well...all things that I don't do.

So, I could stop blogging all together - or, I could just make it easier for me. To make it easier, I will stop trying to blog for everyone else and simply make it more realistic to me. Those who know me, know that I am working 80% of the time, and catching up with my life the other 20%.

In catching up in the other 20%, I figure that I'll take the time to talk about conferences, people, papers and things that are interesting.

I don't know if they'll be chemistry related all the time.

But I'm not going to be worried that you are alienated if they are; instead I'll just trust that you won't hold it against me for being a complete and hopeless nerd.

NOS Overview

2009-07-14T01:28:00.003-04:00

I've been looking over my notes from NOS, and this is what I have garnered from the experience:

Prof. Grubbs is now interested in the polymer aspects of the metathesis catalysts. It will be interesting to see whether or not he can really create macrocycles that operate like muscles.

A talk that I wasn't expecting but found very good was a talk by Prof. Abou-Gharbia. Basically the gist was that synthetic chemists simply try to recreate the molecule in all its entirety when really, some of it isn't that necessary for the molecule to be active. It was a really great talk, that reinforced some of my own thoughts about the synthesis of target molecules in terms of structure and activity relationships. Along these same lines, but with a tour-de-force of chemical structures, Prof. Wender described a new idea for me "step-economy." This is the first time that I've heard that term which I think is a more correct term that "atom-economy" of which I am in trouble for using incorrectly. His talk was amazing. I wrote down a number of references that I'll need to get reading, however, there was a drawback - in that he talked FOREVER. I guess that's characteristic of Wender though.

Another talk I was really excited about was nanoparticle technology by Prof. DeSimone. I don't know why I was so fascinated, but really, he gave a great talk. Sure a lot of the chemistry is very specific and engineered in such a way that certain technology is necessary, however, it was mind-blowing to think about some of the applications of the particles and you could see the fun and imagination behind some of the projects and grad students working on them.

Other all-stars included: Prof. Sanford, Prof. Mirkin, Prof. Jacobsen (funny anecdote to follow), Prof. Reetz (who actually started at Michigan), Prof. Hsieh-Wilson (most polished talk I have ever heard and seen), and Prof. Baran (who used a black background and white writing that took some getting used to).

After Prof. Jacobsen's talk in which he had used a few calculations of transition state structures to help explain selectivity, an old Prof. who everyone knew as Jack raised his hand, stood up and said B***S*** much to the surprise, amusement, and shock of the audience. There was a heated debate to follow about whether or not the calculations were valid and how much credibility they could claim. It was settled by Prof. Streitweiser elucidating how they were intended to be used and thus calming everyone down.

So that was the National Organic Symposium 2009. I might just be going one more time. This one wasn't as good as my first experience, but I'm sure NOS 2011 at Princeton will be fabulous. :)

Oh, and I got to present a poster at the poster session on the second night. It was interesting to be able to talk about my work in a more casual but professional setting.

Wondering. Oh. Wondering.

2009-06-06T01:10:00.003-04:00

These last two weeks have really been too much. I don't really know the last time I felt so overworked, overtired and completely strung out. This whole month has seemed like a very long countdown to today. So many deadlines were met.

1) I turned in an application complete with a mini-review on Ir-catalyzed allylic substitution/graduate research summary/gathered rec. letters yesterday. In order to complete the packet on time, I had to grovel for a previous advisor to fed-ex me the letters. After a search of the department where I work, I finally found them and sent it all off right away.

2) Also yesterday I printed a poster of the research that I am presenting at a conference on tuesday.

3) Finally, in the culmination of all of these activities - I gave a presentation at a department symposium.

W.O.W. It just kinda feels good to not have deadlines. But now my sleep schedule is completely messed up. And I finally get to go to this conference, I leave on sunday. It is my favorite of the chemistry conferences as it is a more casual setting in terms of meeting students and professors, but with top-notch researchers presenting the latest in methodology and synthesis from their labs! I'm kind of giddy just thinking about it! I think that much of my excitement comes from my first experience at NOS when it was hosted at the U of U. I was in the middle of so many decisions about what subject to really graduate in and what to do after my undergraduate education had ended, and it was there that I found the desire to study organic chemistry.

Therefore, it's kinda poetic to be back, as a graduate student who kinda knows a little about what is going on. I'll have to put my favorites list from the conference up when I get back.

GO ORGANIC CHEMISTRY!

N.O.S.

Some meaningless thoughts

2009-05-10T23:19:00.006-04:00

Do you ever wonder where the cismse starts and ends? Or how about when someone tribbs a conversation and you really didn't want them to? It seems to me that the ulfla part of my day really makes me tired and feel like the only thing that will pick me up is a bantelca. Today I had a carodlie with my mom and we decided that the only way to really grow up and deal with adult issues is to overllay them out, and then go from there. The cante that ensues is sometimes difficult to understand or appreciate. However, it is important that the sulicat never wins in the end. To unser this outcome, I usually go to the local dessew and order a baowilith that will normally calm me down. Any challenge can often be retted with the right cappu. Despite that, a seemingly harmless supet will often disrupt any change that was achieved. And in achieving some kind of lissesm, don't you ever wonder if you'll end up with that wholin who used to live in your neighborhood? All of these are the kind of tininti details that usually dierde a conversation to nonsense - but as someone once said, just by using a word, doesn't it become one?

Too much.

2009-05-10T23:16:00.003-04:00

Saturday I left lab with my lab goggles still on. The realization didn't hit me until I was halfway to my car. The fact that I am more comfortable with my goggles on my head than without them raises a flag of alarm.

My poem about Love. Flashback to spring of 2002!!

2009-04-21T00:02:00.003-04:00

So here's another shout out to Brady and his call for poetry. I actually took a poetry class my freshman year of college. Loved it. Last month I found the little "magazine" that my professor put together, found my poem, and lost it. So if I find that again, I'll try to include it here, mostly for my own benefit.

I used to write a lot though. Little bits here and there. Imagine a 18 yr. old version of me . . . pondering her own first relationship ever. I wrote a 7 column poem about what was going on. I'll spare you the whole "poem" here because a lot of it is sappier and cheesier than Twilight. Some of my most ridiculous (and therefore favorite) lines are:

so...

why pursue,

if it's doomed

to die?

is it possible to build

on a foundation so

unstable?

---------

[Don't end on

a preposition]

Probably the same shaky

foundation,

ending in

a preposition.

do I pursue?

what

have I got

to lose?

------------

so we're

not dating,

seriously.

what is going on?

should

i pressure the

status quo?

i think

i think not.

---------------

crazy.

weird.

aren't they much

of the same?

same amount

different letters.

similar

meaning.

one leads

the other,

one

describes the other.

---------------

crazy.

both

do this

but

he like this

while

she likes that.

who's weird?

me.

him.

i love him.

i love him not.

i love him?

Even though it may not seem like it, I really did spare you a lot of the more ridiculous.

Being a Peacemaker

2009-04-20T23:50:00.002-04:00

I spoke in church on Sunday. I was asked to address the following topic. Since this was one of the first times I have ever written out word for word what I was going to say, I'm including it here. I stuck to it pretty well I think, although, I don't think I read it but I can't really remember. It's ironic that the day after I gave this talk, I had a run-in with a co-worker and lost all my sense of peace. So, I have a lot to work on still. Speaking on a church topic, does not make you an expert, or at least I am certainly far from it!

Striving to be Peacemakers by following the Example of Christ

Before I begin my talk about being a peacemaker, it may be helpful to describe a little about myself. I was born in California. We all moved to Utah when I was fairly young and stayed so long that now I claim Utah as home, and more specifically, Draper UT. I moved to Michigan to pursue study of organic chemistry, and I’m more than halfway through my PhD, if one can really claim to be halfway through an uncertain timeline. Organic chemistry seems to be the chemistry subject that most people have very strong opinions about – and most people will tell me about their opinion and how it formed, whether in a lab, lecture, from a book, or en route to their current profession. I too sometimes feel overwhelmed by the amount of material that I have to know in the field of organic chemistry, especially when new information is being published so very quickly. This requires a high amount of efficiency on my part and I spend a lot of my day checking off lists and maximizing every moment, so it made me smile when a close friend remarked on how very inefficient I was at preparing for this talk. What she doesn’t know, is that I am not very efficient when I do not know how to begin an activity for which I feel ill-experienced to carry out. Such is the case with striving to be a peacemaker.

So often in my life I have to remind myself to be a peacemaker. I think that for many of us, especially myself, often it is easier to invoke some kind of drama in our lives. It is sometimes easier to blame others for their wrongdoings instead of ourselves. This was specifically the case when I was in my tweens and sharing a room with my sister who is 4 years my junior. There was so little understanding on my part, so much criticism and unjust expectations. I even divided the room down the middle like on TV shows – that must have happened after an episode of Full House or something. It was awful, and we were not friends. Striving to be a peacemaker would have been a much needed blessing to my parents who were dealing with the needs and quarrels of 6 kids from age 13 to 4. So what could I have done differently? What can we all do when we are striving to be peacemakers?

To be a peacemaker, we have to put off the natural tendency to fault someone else instead of ourselves for the conflict. We have to desire the long term benefits of peace that come with not participating in idle gossip, criticism and the proliferation of drama that comes from exacerbating different points of view, or expectations. Elder Franklin D. Richards has promised us that being peacemakers will bring added blessings of “offsetting the evil of contention, envy, and jealousy.”[1] We truly must desire the blessings that come with being a peacemaker; which we learn from the Sermon on the Mount is to be called the children of God.

Later in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus Christ asks us, and all those who wish to be called his disciples, to

“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you, that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven[2].”

From this scripture we learn that not only is it enough to love our neighbors and our friends but also to remember to be at peace with those that we are at odds with. This often requires us to have enough faith in our Savior’s love for us, and that in our surety of his love for us, we are enabled to extend that love to those that we may not think deserve it. Because even in the act of withholding our love from our enemies we are judging and making decisions that are not for us to decide. We must remember that we have been taught to,

“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged.[3]”

Furthermore, of criticism and judgment President Eyring has said that if we are to be unified, one of the ways is to,

“Speak well of each other. Think of the last time you were asked what you thought about how someone else was doing in your family or in the Church. Now, there are times we must judge others. Sometimes we are required to pronounce such judgments. But more often we can make a choice.[4]”

Herein we are reminded that so often we can choose to speak warmly about others who are are acquaintances, friends, and family. Instead of putting out unnecessary fault-finding or judgement, we can speak about the good things we find in others.

If we read a little bit further in the scripture about loving our enemies and giving good when we are sometimes receiving evil, it says of our Father in heaven that:

“He maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?²”

Our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ know that the harder path to follow is to love all of our neighbors and enemies. Greater blessings of peace will come into our lives if we really try to extend peace towards those who are making trouble for us. If we are truly desirous to be called children of God, we must learn to be like him, in extending our love to everyone. One of the ways we can remember to love everyone is by remembering these words of the Savior,

“Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.”[5]

This is often referred to as the golden rule. A favorite little rhyme I associate with the golden rule comes from a play called My Turn on Earth. In this particular song they sing that:

“The golden rule is a terrific tool, to help you decide what to do. And did you know – though it doesn’t show, there’s a golden rule inside of you? It says do unto others as you would have others do to you!”

Sometimes, in order to really decide how we would want others to behave towards us, we have to invest the time to really understand the situation, and to be considerate and unselfish. Coming back to the topic of being a peacemaker by following the example of Christ, we read of many times in the scriptures, when our Savior had others striving to start an argument or conflict. There was never a time when he yielded to the buffetings of his enemies. From the scriptures we read that he “knew their thoughts,” and therefore could understand where they were coming from and deal with the circumstances accordingly. Because of his understanding of their intentions, there was no need for contention. For us, the only way to know the intents of others is to really put time into understanding, or to have the spirit with us to be able to discern what the problem might be.

How much easier would it have been to share a room with my sister, had I realized how different we were in age and ability and therefore have had different expectations in the situation. In any situation where there is enough love to really seek understanding from both sides about an issue, this will help us to be better equipped to be peacemakers. President Eyring spoke of another way to be a peacemaker. He states that,

“One way I have seen it done is to search for anything on which we agree. To be that peacemaker, you need to have the simple faith that as children of God, with all our differences, it is likely that in a strong position we take, there will be elements of truth. The great peacemaker, the restorer of unity, is the one who finds a way to help people see the truth they share. That truth they share is always greater and more important to them than their differences. You can help yourself and others to see that common ground if you ask for help from God and then act. He will answer your prayer to help restore peace, as He has mine.[6]”

Even with all this logic about being a peacemaker, President Eyring reminds us that we must have the spirit with us when approaching situations where we need an access to the peace of God. Pleading with our Father in Heaven daily through prayer to have a constant companionship of the Holy Ghost will provide us with the strength to stay positive and charitable in the face of contention.

Elder Theodore Burton describes that

“Whenever you get red in the face, whenever you raise your voice, whenever you get “hot under the collar,” or angry, rebellious, or negative in spirit, then know that the Spirit of God is leaving you and the spirit of Satan is beginning to take over. At times we may feel justified in arguing or fighting for truth by contentious words and actions. Do not be deceived. Satan would rather have you contend for evil if he could, but he rejoices when we contend with one another even when we think we are doing it in the cause of righteousness. He knows and recognizes the self-destructive nature of contention under any guise. You can recognize the Spirit of Christ within you when you speak to one another or speak of another person with a warm smile instead of with a frown or scowl[7].”

This contention of thinking that we are right and justified in our criticism, or our entitlement of judgment is exactly the trap that I had fallen into when I was younger. It has taken many years to get out of that trap. There are still instances and occasions when sometimes I think all of us can fall back into a justification of our actions. But even when in the act of feeling so “right,” we have lost the spirit or the ability to be a peacemaker. Only when we are feeling a good relationship with our Heavenly Father and Savior, and really trying to follow the example that he set of settling arguments with out hot-headed responses or emotional explosions, only then can we really be a peacemaker. My younger sister and I have learned to understand each other, and I have learned to be considerate and more loving. Due to these changes in the way I have approached our relationship, I am happy to report that we are best friends. That often we can find peace despite any differences of opinion, and even share hotel rooms when the occasion requires it.

This is what we need more of, the love of Christ helping us to help each other to be unified as children of God.

[1] Franklin D. Richards

[2] Matt. 5:44

[3] Matt 7: 1-2

[4] Henry B. Eyring

[5] Matt. 7:12

[6] Henry B. Eyring

[7] Elder Theodore Burton

"Whatever a sun will always sing is you"

2009-04-15T23:05:00.009-04:00

I recently watched "In Her Shoes" with my roommates. The last time I watched it I got a little teary simply because there is something so real between the two sisters who at times can't stand each other and at the other times are best friends. I guess it's one of those movies that helped me feel less guilt for having a less than perfect relationship with either of my sisters at times. At the end of the film, the younger sister maggie, dedicates a poem to her older sister rose's wedding. In light of Brady plugging Poetry month, and as a further dedication to both my older and younger sisters, who I didn't get a chance to talk to on Easter, I've included the poem here.

i carry your heart with me

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Furthermore, I love E.E. Cummings. Out of all the poetry out there, there are key pieces that he has written that I will always always love.

Musings on Twilight

2009-04-07T00:35:00.005-04:00

Have you ever gotten a movie stuck in your head the same way a song gets in your head? The other night a bunch of girls and I all got together and watched Twilight. We only got 75% of the way through, so I watched the rest of it the other night. So now it's stuck in my head and I'm figuring the only way to get it out, is to type it into submission:

Here are my issues:

i) It probably spells it out much better in the book, but I am unclear as to why Edward's (the vampire) feeling so drawn to Bella (the human), particularly her scent, and his thoughts that he has been waiting so long for her, is romantic. Is it just that much more romantic that the person who loves you also wants to eat you? I don't think that was as clear as it could have been in film. I'm guessing the book did a better job on that one.

ii) There were some lines in the film that maybe were romantic, but once again I'm unconvinced. Among my favorite were "I feel very uh...protective of you," and "You're like my own personal heroin."

iii) I don't really know how to phrase this one, but it's rooted in the fact that Bella is not concerned when she finds out that Edward has been sneaking into her room to watch her sleep for that last few [weeks or months, i can't remember] and other things similar to that. I guess it was a little hard for me to swallow her submissiveness. On the other hand - he is a vampire after all. If you are going to make that relationship work, you probably don't want to push buttons.

In support of the movie/book, I did find that once I was watching alone in my room, I was drawn into the story a little better. Maybe, sometimes it's nice to think that everyone has a non-vampire Edward and backbone-inserted Bella love story in their lives. And to a small extent, maybe what makes the movie so appealing is that the male lead in the story really has to restrain his passions and is in 'most' ways a gentlemen (if that term can be extended to a vampire who wants to kill the person he cherishes).

With all of that now out of my head, I think I can have vampire-less dreams and feel a little more closure. I'm still not at peace with the book/movie, but at least I don't have to keep replaying scenes with lines such as "I don't think you should date Edward. He looks at you like you are something to eat."

Mac-book Clean-up

2009-04-04T01:09:00.003-04:00

You ever feel like you deserve to stay up longer? That's where I'm at. It's been a long week - that was tacked on to the end of a previous long week, but I think it will always be that way. I came to that conclusion as I was in my advisors office and was asking if her schedule was going to be less busy after this upcoming 1 1/2 weeks that she said were going to be "hell." As she opened her i-cal I noticed that the red didn't stop - EVER. So, we deal . . . and move on.

As I was preparing for my group meeting, where I present the research I have done over the past 6 months to my group members and advisor, I realized I was missing a file that might have been destroyed when my mac had died. So I did what anyone would do after the initial freak-out and started opening and checking every possible excel file that it could have been. Not very far in, I realized that I have lots of documents that could be better organized. So after making 15 folders and filing away, I feel much better opening up my documents folder.

And I found a quotes 1-1-2009 document. Instead of writing a resolution this year, apparently I collected quotes. This was one of my favorites:

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle

That's a good resolution. Can one resolve to be excellent?

I think that Aristotle and "others" do believe that it is attainable.

Drake's Equation: An Application...

2009-03-27T21:53:00.007-04:00

On NPR's radio broadcast "This American Life", the episode airing Valentines day started with a clip about Harvard physics graduate students.

These students were postulating (post coffee-break) on whether the Drake equation could be applied to the probability on whether they could find a girlfriend. Drake's equation estimates the probability of finding intelligent life in our universe by employing a number of factors that quantify otherwise unquantifiable things. By analogy, if the factors that estimate our probability of finding "the one" can be quantified, ultimately that probability can be estimated as well.

Some of my favorite factors are :

i) the fraction of the remaining that actually go on to develop life

followed by ii) the fraction that actually go on to develop intelligent life

and then iii) the fraction that will develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space

These are my favorites because it's interesting to draw the analogous factors for a potential relationship from the factors.

I think I did okay in my adaptation of the equation - but, it's up for peer review.

Linear Equations...

2009-03-19T18:52:00.001-04:00

I have recently listened to a podcast from NPR about the Drake equation.
More on that later.
For now - here's the equation for the probability of finding a mate.

6 Things - Facts that result from being tagged.

2009-03-08T23:58:00.001-04:00

Yet again, here is a composition in response to being tagged. Seems to me that facebook and blogger ran into each other and became one. The next thing I'll be posting will be a book list. No, I won't actually. Different people will know different things, so these won't be all new to everyone, but I'll make an effort at obscurity.

1. I'm really picky about plumbing. Kitchens and bathrooms are the most criticized part of any house that I enter. After growing up in custom built houses almost all of my life with all sorts of upgrades on the plumbing due to my father's profession, I can't really help it when I notice that a lav is way out of date, or a faucet doesn't really work for me, and don't even get me started on shower heads. It's subliminal at this point and I don't really care, unless it comes down to where I might choose to live. Then it's almost the sole factor. Drippy faucets also drive me crazy - and toilets that don't work perfect. I have an incredible urge to fix it or call my dad.

2. My brother gave me a wooden unicorn for Christmas two years ago. He got it from a second hand store I think as a joke or maybe he really thought I liked unicorns. I don't know, but I know that I don't collect unicorns nor do I think about them very often although I did have a Lisa Frank trapper keeper with unicorns on it in elementary. Besides all this, I keep my unicorn proudly on display in my room to remind me of my brother. And to laugh about how he thinks I just LOVE unicorns.

3. My favorite Goodnight book of all time is "Goodnight Opus" by Berkeley Breathed. It's amazing. My sister and I read it almost two hundred nine times during a few years when I was in 8th or 9th grade. We didn't really read it that much, that's just a quote from the book, but we almost had it memorized we liked it so much. I've even considered getting bunny jammies if they come with a guarantee of continuing the story and departing the text with such grandeur and imagination.

4. I had a pretty active imagination and morphed different objects into different playthings. For example, when very young (probably 3rd grade) I devised a game where bicycles were horses. I wouldn't actually ride my bike, I would walk it because I was too "heavy" for the horse. Tricycles were ponies and bikes with their training wheels were baby horses. I must have seen some movie about breaking a horse in or something because I remember running around with my bike and "neighing". The other example from elementary is the carrot babies. A friend and I took baby carrots and put paper diapers on them and made them a home in a used margarine dish. I think they had names, but I don't remember them. I also can't quite remember if they "grew up" when they got all shriveled or "died" but I know we kept very careful track of them to delay the shriveling process for as long as possible. Nowadays the only thing I anthropomorphize are my chemical reactions.

5. A friend pointed out to me a while back that a lot of things I am motivated to do are rooted to just pure ambition. I wasn't sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing, so I thought about it just to make sure that it was true. His example was hiking Mt. Olympus in Utah just to say I had; it was a pretty hike though - and I could see the valley really well. Other examples I have since recognized have been the many books I have read because they are listed on a Classics Book List that I got from the library my freshman summer, my summer job as a girl scout camp counselor in Alaska, my Chemical Engineering bachelor's degree, and my future goal of being great at the harmonica. This is good in that I get things done, and alarming that some of the bigger things I've accomplished make it into that category. It just seems so shallow. I choose to believe that there are still things in my life that are motivated by something other than ambition.

6. Returning to the book theme - I have a small collection of children's books. Probably less than 20 but I love them. Sometimes when the world seems like it's too much and I'm totally overwhelmed with school and life, I always seem to end up in a place with books. Whether it be retail or a library, I gravitate to the children's section and there I can look at color splashed across a page and read all about how a little person is feeling in 10 or so short sentences and only 1 per page. Life is just better then. I'm very picky about buying children's books though as they are kind of pricey. I have to really, really love it to end up buying it.

I'm supposed to tag someone, so if you feel like I should have tagged you - consider yourself tagged.

I finally have a theme : MILK

2009-03-05T00:18:00.005-05:00

Upon introspection of why my blog seems so boring to me and probably to everyone else - I decided it was because my posts don't have a theme. That must be why lots of people I know (see my sidebar with all the links for great examples) have great things to say - because they can actually tell a story. So I've decided that either I never paid attention in English class, or I've entirely forgotten how to write (probably the latter) and that I should really try to have a theme.

Today a few things happened that had to do with milk. It started with getting lukecold milk from Welcome Wednesday (free bagels and beverages at the University of Michigan Alumni Center). It wasn't warm - but it wasn't cold enough. Milk really only tastes good to me when I've just gotten the jug out of the fridge, otherwise it really tastes too much like something I shouldn't be drinking. (Humans ability to drink milk has been a recent evolutionary trait that corresponds with the rise in agriculture. I need to find a reference for that other than that I heard it on a science podcast.)
This incident was followed later in the day with a conversation about cereal and how the greatest challenge for morning rituals is "Life" and to eat it before it gets too soggy. You can surely start your day with much victory over life if you can eat all of it within the window of good milk saturation and before it's milk-logged. To achieve this you have to be careful of your milk to cereal ratio - too much milk and you are hosed. You will fail at Life.
Finally, I came home from a long day to find that the box of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies had finally been opened and was inviting me to eat them. (I didn't want to open the box myself having eaten a different entire box all myself minus 7 or 8 cookies on Saturday.) So, I exerted all the self discipline I had and only took three and poured myself a glass of milk. I needed a good milk experience to displace the negative one, but I was still wary so I used a little hershey's syrup just in case I was too ruined from this morning. As I dipped my cookies in my chocolate milk, I realized that there is an art to eating chocolate covered cookies that I have routinely done my whole life. I find that an initial nibble is necessary so that the dipped cookie will allow a little bit of milk to access cookie. Then you can't dip too much because it'll get mushy but unlike an oreo, you can't really tell when it's been too long because all the chocolate is holding it together. Therefore, you have to time it just right. I think this is why I can't eat too many chocolate covered cookies dipped in milk; it's just way too stressful to time it right.

That is also why I never autonomously buy my own Life. It's too stressful to get all the ratios right and it's sometimes really sad when you can't claim victory. Every chance I can though - I'll take advantage of it when it's there.

I was curious about what I need...

2009-02-23T23:11:00.004-05:00

The blogging community has been using facebook as food for thought. Recently I was tagged by SamYam, and then I read MMMeg who referenced Brady. The idea is to type your name and needs (aka "name needs") into a search engine and pick out 10 of your favorites. So I picked my favorites, learned that the new judge of American Idol is named Kara and realized that because of this many of the sentences were inappropriate as she is not being favorably accepted into the Idol community.

But here's what I need:

1. Kara needs to have a civilian ID and needs to be a bit more grounded.
2. Kara needs a vacation.
3. Kara needs to talk about/pictures we need to post.
4. Kara needs Sausage!
5. Kara needs more bouquets.
6. Kara needs to be removed from the situation to calm down.
7. Kara needs some gatorade and a good night's sleep.
8. Kara needs to lighten up.
9. Kara needs to grow up.
10. Kara needs to get to work.

I really feel very drawn to vacationing, bouquets, and working. I really should have more flowers in my life, and a many a good night's sleep. Otherwise, I'm really wound up apparently.

Why I don't try to analyze my dreaming

2009-02-12T00:44:00.004-05:00

I rarely ever dream. That's probably not true, it is true that I rarely ever remember my dreaming, therefore it's unlikely that I dream. Every now and then though - there's a great dream. It comes out of nowhere, has very little reality to it, and lots of detail. These are my favorite kind because they are kind of like four leaf clovers and heart shaped rocks, extremely rare. I'll try to do it justice, but it was early this morning - the kind that you try not to wake up from because you are not sure what is going to happen next.

The setting was some kind of resort similar to a hybrid of a disney resort within a beautiful landscape like new zealand. Fog, trees, not too many people, but those who are there are there for some kind of entertainment similar to that showing at an outdoorsy amphitheater. This setting was not somewhere I had ever been or recognized, but was very comfortable in and knew my way around in my dream. I was there to see a specific person (who happened to be a real person that I know and can identify - he even had the same name but we'll call him Darius). He had just come back from being away and from what I can gather from my dream, I wanted to say hello in a "hey-i'm-kinda-still-interested" way. Furthermore, Darius was in the production that was playing at the time at the resort.

This is where it gets fuzzy. At some point I found the residence where he was staying - and met him at the elevator. We had an awkward exchange of hellos, and then somehow I lost him in a miscommunication between him heading up to his room in the hotel and me not understanding what was going on. So he went a different way up to his room and I had to use the gold elevator.

This was some gold elevator. When you walked in the doors, there was a panel on the side that had gold knobs,sliders, switches and buttons. You had to move the sliders and buttons to operate the doors, signal what floor you wanted to get to and then put in other patterns to indicate getting off. This was my first time on the elevator (apparently when I had come to visit before I had taken the stairs) and the other people were getting mad at me - specifically this white haired lady that reminded me of one of the golden girls. There wasn't just one person on this elevator though - no, there was stadium seating. Once you walked in, you would program your destination and then take a seat in one of the cushioned chairs. There were about 4 rows, with about 10 chairs per row - not that I counted, but if I had to guess that's how big the elevator was. The wall where the doors and panel was completely gold, and the rest of the walls were mirrored.

Well, as you can imagine, I was pretty overwhelmed and embarrassed that I couldn't work the elevator so as soon as I could I got off. It let me off back onto a street corner where I talked to a guy (random stranger) about what code I needed to get me to my friend's house using the elevator. He looked at me stupidly and moved his left arm from his right shoulder crossing down to his left him twice and then rapidly made a motion tapping his right shoulder twice. "That's the code. You should be able to do that, a younger child could even do it," he taunted.

Making it to where Darius was staying, his friend (another random stranger, but this time I seemed to know him even though I haven't even seen/met him in real life) answered the door. I asked for Darius, and his friend said it was too late. Surprised, shocked and little curious, I asked for what he was talking about.
"He's just gotten back together with his girlfriend this afternoon."
"Oh. Well, that's fine. I was just coming by to say hello anyway. That's really great for him."

Which was the 'good-to-go' phrase because then the friend stopped lying and opened the door to let me in. Darius walked into the room. This time he was happy to see me (since I had just passed my screening interview with the appropriate response) and we talked and sat down on a couch. His family was there and at some point they were all getting ready to go onto the stage production. At this point there was a flashback to seeing Darius with a girl previous in the dream. (The girl had a very striking similarity to a girl I've seen wandering the chemistry halls loosely associated with a previous roommate's lab.) Back to the moment, and the chaos, I can't quite remember how or what happened but everyone was wearing similar costumes along the themes of striped green and cream with purple accents. I had a skirt with thick vertical green and cream stripes with a netting purples skirt underneath and somekind of matching top. I had on leggings that were more similar to bloomers I guess since they were loose and just went past my knees. These were narrow green and cream and purple striped but horizontal instead of vertical.

As Darius and I were talking, I realized that he was now 6 inches shorter than I remembered him to be in real life. Also, he looked about 5 years younger (in real life he's only a year or so younger) and I didn't like that. So, in the end, he had to go with his family all in their green and cream "get-up" to the stage production. I remember the outfits clearly because the dream ended as I asked for a bathroom to change into. In the last scene, I am pulling off the green striped skirt and pulling on my jeans, content with the fact that they are all headed somewhere without me.

This is why I do not take my dreams seriously. My roommate loves dreams and thinking about them and what they mean. I was so surprised to hear her say that. Hopefully, if she reads this, she'll know where I am coming from.

Anxiety via Pyrophoricity

2009-01-29T23:45:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago there was an incident at UCLA where a researcher got badly burned using a certain chemical. The week before any knowledge of this news and the day after, I used a similar chemical. There have also been the times where one of the instruments shorted out in front of my nose startling me due to the spark, and an analogous instrument expanding to shatter the glass and then implode on itself - also while standing right in front of it. Seems to me, that my workplace requires attention to what is going on around me, and particularly in front of me.

Needless to say, today when working with a pyrophoric reagent, I was very careful. It all went well, no incidents, but I'm only halfway through. It's drying overnight - but I'm a little uneasy about it just idling away without my supervision. I might not sleep well tonight as a result - how's that for attachment to my work? The procedure will be done tomorrow - preferably before noon so that I'll be mellow for the rest of the afternoon.

It sometimes makes me wonder though what other people think I do. This wonderment comes from the question that I get frequently that is "So, any explosions this week?" said with a twinkle in their eye. Let me assure you, if there's an explosion, it means I'm a hack and messed something up. I hope I'm not the only chemist who gets this question - 'cause if so, the people I know must think that I do not have my act together when it comes to labwork.

Here's to an explosion free Friday.

Passive Observing

2009-01-14T23:27:00.007-05:00

There's this Mr. Jonathan Harris who constructs all of human emotion into web design in this piece called "We feel fine." It is so great! I heard about it on his TED talk that I have been introduced to by Samsonite (more on TED later). Every little dot is a sentence that was pulled from somebody's blog in the last 4 hours. You can even find how the world is feeling at the moment in metrics (such as 4 times more happy than normal, or 2.3 times more confused, etc.) So, if you need empathy for any kind of feeling - you can go here: We feel fine

Happy sympathizing!

P.S. Not all of the material there is family friendly. Occasionally there is a need to self edit so, don't say I didn't warn you.

Obsessive Tendencies

2009-01-12T01:07:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get fixated on conversations like these:

"Ah, so you dyed your hair darker. No more blond huh?"
"Yep. I had it done over the break."
"It looks better blond."
"Well, I kind of like this for a change. Besides my parents are both brunette," I said and then followed by an abrupt change of subject.

Not that I will revert to the pre-holiday blond luster, but at the same time...really?

There are other things I will obsess over from time to time, such as why I can't seem to get a conversation running with certain people no matter how many times I talk to them, symmetry of paper snowflakes, certain songs that I will listen to 37 times straight (most recently "Shake it" by metro station), assuring my clothing choice complements my current hairstyle, trying new hair products, my hair in general, teeth, commments on my personality from others, etc.

I'm trying not to obsess. I really am.

Thanksgiving: Thankful for new traditions

2008-12-07T01:12:00.004-05:00

This thanksgiving was awesome. I think that I learned that for myself, it is best not to try to recreate the event or holiday that I can not share with my family, but instead to create entirely new traditions. So, that is what I did.

I started the day off at 6:00 am to get to detroit and then run with 10,000 other folks. The turkey trot (5K for me with many of my friends running the 10K and 5K) was great! It was so surprising and then exciting to see that many people, in detroit, on thanksgiving and so early in the morning! I would say that over 15% were also in costumes. It wasn't so many that it was very common, but every now and then santa would run by, or chauqita banana, or ALF and I would smile. It was my first "race" in a long time, probably more than 5 years. I quote race simply because with very little training, I wasn't really racing, I was just paying money to run with 10,000 other people. I did get a swanky $10 shirt out of it though, and an energizing way to begin a thanksgiving morning.

What could really go wrong from there? Nothing - my day was set up for perfection! After my run I decided that it would be fun to introduce football into the day of new traditions. My family doesn't really play football but it seemed so common to so many others that I thought this might be the perfect holiday to try it. So we played 4 on 4 football. I was awful - didn't even really know how to play - but I got to run around, and pretend a little like I was useful.

Afterwards, we ate dinner. We ate around 3:30 pm, which I think was a good time for stuffing oneself so full that they don't really want to think about whether or not they want to eat ever again. All the favorites were there - creamed corn, green bean dish of some sort, pumpkin pie, stuffing. It was so much food. And such good food too!

Following dinner we played a few games, chatted, cleaned dishes. The usual.

The whole day simply was great. I am particularly grateful for Amy for hosting and her place and Amy and Brady both for the fantastic organization. I couldn't have had a more relaxing, delightful holiday weekend!

Further musings...

2008-11-16T21:32:00.004-05:00

Wow. Even after posting these, even after telling all the facebookers that I am not going to engage in conflict, even after deleting things, I still am faced with disappointment and conflict. Please, can't we all just get along? Not for a while I guess.

On a happier note I found a clip about Olbermann's report on the issue. While I am not going to talk about anything in regards to his issue, I am going to say that I saw an SNL sketch about him before I saw him and THEY WERE SPOT ON! The camera switching angles every few seconds and the zoom-ins and variety in inflection of his voice - amazing! I saw the clip with my roommate Jess and neither of us knew the reference, but seeing that, well, I have to say I'm pretty impressed.

Here's to a calmer week. And I know that the one person who said I hadn't posted anything since July, is probably wishing I would go back to my non-posting status after all of this.

The Road trip that I grew up on.

2008-11-11T01:07:00.002-05:00

In July the Stowers women, namely Rebecca (otherwise known as Mom), Kristin (now a Daniels, KD), me, and Audrie (Audge) left the Stowers men and set out for Cali on their own. Our general plan (constructed with the consistency of Jello) called for visiting of grandparents and then much lounging about on the beach. It seems that setting roadtrips loosely was a new concept for me, and as much wiggle room as we had I didn’t feel like we were just pointlessly in southern California – instead we still had some purpose. I know that vacations are not normally meant to be this way, but judge me as you may, I am not easily relaxed – even while on vacation.

Notable trip highlights: Ricardo’s and El Torito are wonderful places to eat (excellent Mexican food which I can really only eat in the west since MI doesn’t have any worthy of any adjective better than mediocre). Whole Foods can be more of an amusement park than a place to buy organics and be “green” especially when they are giving out free samples and you can get a double chocolate cookie for free. Art fairs (Laguna in particular) are really into earrings (there were at least 15 booths) but great places to take pictures by the scenery (not by the art itself – that is frowned upon). Reconciliation with the ocean will not be had. The ocean will always win – depending on how long it takes to win indicates how long one can stay in the water.

I guess the roadtrip really consisted of learning, and taking as many pictures of our faces as possible. I learned that KD actually will go in the water and play in the waves if it is a) warm and b) not too high or far out. This was one of my favorite things – her simple enthusiasm for being in the water. Both Audge and I couldn’t remember the last time we had seen her in the water and laughing as hard as she was. Mom likes to drive – or at least is very protective of her girls and will give up much of her own comfort to make sure that we are having a good time. Will mom’s everywhere ever stop doing that? I learned that Audge likes to listen and watch. She’s also very appreciative and I remembered how sensitive she gets to things. This is not necessarily a bad thing – instead she’s very aware of what’s going on and others feelings.

Despite the fact that sometimes we got lost, reveled in ineffective communication and sometimes argued just because we were tired – overall we had a really good time and got to know each other better than we had before we had left. Our trip was in good timing too because Audge is now serving a mission in FL and I still live very far away up in MI. It’s funny how as we become older we sometimes may take for granted that we have become very different people than we were when we all used to live under the same roof. Taking time for each other as adults in a family is as important if not more so than when we took time for each other as kids. It was so inspiring to learn about the motivations behind my sisters and mom. We’ve all grown up a lot and listening to each other’s perspectives can be enriching as well as confusing at times too. Family road trips and outings are still good to have even when adult. I think that as we get older – they actually tend to have more depth and more thought that come out of them then when we were little.

That may be because as a kid I simply floated through life and didn’t really process thought as well as I could have. Unfortunately, I do not have any data to back that up as I do not have many memories regarding my younger years.

The two I took with me from WSU

2008-11-11T00:28:00.002-05:00

Over the years I’ve become a much better version of myself than I previously was. I think I started off as version 1.2 (Jr. High Kara) and now I’m closer to version 4.0 (Higher Ed. Kara). {note: I guess I didn’t start noting what version I was until Jr. High – and then I simply couldn’t start off as version 0.0} The updates don’t necessarily correlate chronologically but instead are somewhat in trend with major events and adjustments that I can only ambiguously identify. The point of this is simply to mention the saintly credit that two of my dearest friends deserve for making it through multiple upgrades of Kara-versions.

We can start with Brittany Rasmussen. I met Brittany back in the 5th grade at Sprucewood Elementary. That might not be right actually since other memories have since replaced that memory but regardless I remember being friends with her back in gradeschool. I only went to that school for that one year – so we weren’t friends for very long, but I remember (vaguely) her. I went off to a different school, different Jr. High and came back to HS as a much different person than I was in 5th grade (or so I like to think). One day, I think that I saw her and she looked so similar to her 5th grade self that I was able to identify her. She didn’t have the same ability as I no longer had messed up teeth with braces, a silky bow the size of a football securing my half pulled up blond hair on my head, or purple glasses with a butterfly in the left top corner. Explaining myself a little we said hello, parted ways and I don’t think she fully remembered who I was until she had looked me up in her 5th grade memory book and then connected the two images (this is somthing I believe she admitted to later).

Somehow we got through HS. I’ll leave out all the embarrassing and shameful details here but will admit to the fact that I was much bossier then in a consistent manner, than I have ever been since. There were bossy episodes sharing a locker between 3 people, misunderstandings on who was calling who when we were to go do something and my general disregard for courtesy. Yes, I was a despicable little person in high school. After three years of general abuse, we independently ended up applying to, being accepted to, and decided on going to college at Weber State in Ogden. Attributed only to her ability to forgive, an overdose of courage and her character of being a saint of all that is holy, somehow Britt agreed to share a dorm room with me at WSU.

So 2 matching bedspreads, 6 throw pillows and 1 singing Mickey Mouse toaster later, we ended up in Promontory Towers on the 9th Floor. Away from our little land of Alta, and in retrospect, we both grew into ourselves in that year. We didn’t always understand what each other was motivated by, nor how best to communicate but over that year, we became friends. I accredit Britt for most of the purging of my bossiness, especially since I am all sorts of versions away from where I used to be in that respect. I also learned most of my patience from her – that sounds bad, but I actually learned it when thinking about how I would react to myself. I realized that Britt reacted with calm instead of rage and then I decided that it wouldn’t hurt for me to incorporate a similar pattern. And finally I walked away from that year knowing how to appreciate a completely different modus operandi than my own. Not only did I appreciate it, but I grasped the idea of how to function with a completely different set of priorities. Obviously I had become familiar with this kind of thing from living in a family with 5 siblings, but the stark differences between us forced me to reconcile how I could be better. Although at the end of the year we nearly wanted to annihilate each other – I markedly remember that at the end of my freshman year I was a much different (and better I may say) version of myself. Britt had forced an upgrade.

Since our decision to never share a room again, we’ve practically sealed our friendship forever (despite the fact that I have no memory of some things that are really important, right Britt?). I think that among all the friends that I have had, and all the friends that I will since make, she deserves all the credit of being a true friend. True friend in this sense being defined as one that will not let me get away with reveling in my own vices or letting me be anything less than the highest potential of a good person that I can be. Even now when I sometimes forget who I’m all about, or what my focus is – we can chat for a little while and she’ll remind me of what I seem so quickly to forget. So here’s my shout out for forcing an upgrade and giving what seems like the worst idea ever a chance for a positive outcome. Who would have ever thought that coming away from AHS in 2001 we’d end up the type of friends we now are in 2008? Thanks Britt! I am better because of the influence you’ve had on my life!

Finally we come to Joshua Rowley. The three of us (Britt, Josh[ua], and I) became friends in that fateful year at WSU. He must have known Britt better than myself as I was completely confused when one afternoon he burst into our room and started relating his experience in his acting class earlier that day. The assignment was to create your own universe through sound. He started by recreating the whooshing noises followed by creaking and kerplunking when there was some kind of cow followed by commentary mocking a teacher who announced that he was creating his universe wrong. We were already laughing at this point, but hilarity ensued when he went ballistic about how it was impossible to create your own universe wrong when, in fact, it was YOUR OWN universe. From that moment forward, we were friends. I think that I attribute ability to laugh at myself from Joshua, as he always made it a point to indicate when I was being ridiculous. Often I would not agree with him as obstinate as I was, but I realize now the satisfaction that comes of laughing instead of going ballistic when things go horribly tense. He also makes sure that I don’t erase him from my list of people that I keep in contact with {disclaimer: there is not a list}. Although these reasons are very different from the reasons that I am friends with Brittany, I can not discount the fact that Josh[ua] had a very real impact in my eventual upgrade as well. Even now, I can still call no matter the time that has passed, and we can still be our best selves laughing at our ridiculosity and appreciating the little things that seem commonplace but are actually very funny. Thanks Joshua! You in fact, are written in permanent marker on my huge dry erase board.

For me, November is a month of reflection and a season of gratitude. Although I initially wanted to note something similar to this after an evening of Applebee’s entrees and desserts of sundae “shots” at an absurd 11 pm outing while in Utah this summer, it is somewhat fitting that this surfaces now.

Version 4.4 here I come!

Things I will write of later but don't have time to write of now.

2008-07-25T13:19:00.001-04:00

JR & BR
California trip with fam.
The neverending paper.

All in the hopes to see...

2008-07-25T12:57:00.004-04:00

I have recently experienced a severe loss. I haven't quite resolved the issue and am unwilling to entirely let go - but more on that later. A couple weeks ago now, I was learning how to use our new react-IR. If your lab doesn't have one of these, they should because they are ultra-great. As I was watching and listening I realized that my goggles were a bit cloudy.

Leaving my story for a minute I must tell you about these goggles. I am very picky about my labwear. I'm in lab for sometimes upwards of 12 hours a day more than 4 days a week so these are a very dear companion to me. As you can imagine having something on your face for that long is something to be picky about. First I tried these goggles that let me wear my glasses underneath. They were huge and paris hilton style lenses which might be good for a day on the beach and for full coverage from splashing chemicals. On the other hand they enormity of the goggles weighs them down and I found they always slipped to the bottom of my nose or fell off, therefore, I concluded that this was not going to be a good qualification for goggles. I switched to a different kind that are more oakley sunglass style - but these were quickly ruled out since my eyelashes hit them all the time. So besides being distracting - they would get dirty from the inside all the time. The next style were a little better, lightweight but had this horrible black plastic that went all the way across the top. Ruled out this time just because of my vanity I guess. So finally I found my favorite pair - a style that combined the lightweight of the oakleys had movable side parts that go around your ear and the lenses that were big enough for coverage, curved enough that my eyelashes don't hit and not so nerdy. These are my favorites. If you made it through the others - a lot of thought went into picking them out.

Anyway, they looked dirty on this particular day. Almost like something had splashed on them. So I grabbed a kim-wipe and starting cleaning them as normal. But this was not normal. The kim-wipe dissolved onto my glasses and the spot started to dissolve a little. Instantly I realized that I must have gotten dichloromethane on them which dissovles plastic in a very real way. I think a little part of me died inside but I was in training. So I put them by my desk and grabbed a different pair. When training was over I did everything I could think of to redeem my glasses - but it was to late. The scratch made into a smear was irreversible.

I still haven't gotten over the fact that they are gone. They hang forlornly from a hook near my desk. I don't have the heart to throw them away in hopes that I find their long lost twin. In the mean time I've been wearing the oakley hit my eyelashes style. I'm trying to learn how far on my nose they have to sit to not interfere with the rest of my face; I keep a running tally of how long I can go without cleaning them off in a day. So far it's 2 days for the goggles to 2 days for me.

Things we do in lab

2008-06-17T01:40:00.000-04:00

A friend got a hold of this and sent it to another lab mate. We quoted it for a couple days. Here it is for everyone [me] to watch and enjoy.

P.S. The whole event is pretense I believe.

Front Fell Off

2008-06-17T01:36:00.001-04:00

The summer version of myself versus:

2008-06-17T00:39:00.002-04:00

There are two versions: The school me and the summer me. It's kinda like being bipolar but not every day - just inbetween seasons. I love the summer time because it is so so good! It smells good, it feels good, it looks good and it makes me good. I'm always a better version of myself in the summer. I don't know if you have different versions of yourself but I completely do. It's kind of like when you have a crystal that looks like it could be one thing but after recrystalization it takes on two completely different polymorphs. That's kind of how I am: under one set of conditions I have one structure and under another I have the same basic elements and material make up but take on a completely different connectivity and form. I think I can describe the two versions of myself and should before I forget what they look like because I have a goal...

School year polymorph:

Average work day: 12 hrs M/T/W/H
Weekend: Alternating Friday or Saturday evening (post 7pm) other day =12 hrs.
Sleeping: 7 hrs a night with a guilt complex that I should be working
Eating: Out mostly, who has time to cook?
Exercise: Lot's of thoughts - no action.
Social Life: Church Activities/Not dependable/Will not return phone calls (because I am in the lab and so why would I call back?) = Little to none
General Happiness Level (1-10): 5 , fair
Mood: This is what a PhD is, this is how it goes, I can't wait for the summer.

Spring/Summer polymorph:

Average work day: 10 1/2 hrs M/T/W/H
Weekend: Often both evenings are open for some sort of activity
Sleeping: still 7 hours, but because I am doing things like writing blogs, watching TV, listening to music, writing in my journal
Eating: I cook more and feel healthier
Exercise: Still none, but sometimes random walks or runs in there
Social Life: Excited to find time in my schedule/Call people back/I even might call them DURING the week! (which is a miracle in itself!)/ Plan activities that are crazy (ie: GTKEOBA- no it's not coming back i promise).
General Happiness Level: 8, not perfect but pretty high
Mood: Isn't this great? Don't you love the weather? Isn't today fabulous?

I think that spring has a mixture of the two that are hard to separate, so after a few weeks of recrystallization (which we'll call end of May and early June) I'm purified into the summer version of myself. I am pretty sure that crystallization is not necessary to return to the other version - it's an entropically favorable decomposition pathway.

So, in short...I'm so excited for the summer. I love this version of myself - and the goal (though time will tell how reasonable it is) is whether I can keep the summer version of myself in the fall. Not completely, but maybe 50%. That's an attainable, quantitative goal right?

Does anyone have a version-o-meter so I can measure daily in the fall to see if i'm 50% of each?

Thermodynamics in my Second Year

2008-04-15T00:13:00.003-04:00

Today, was a day. In the huge chemical reaction of B.S. college grad undergoing multiple transformations to reach Ph.D. state, I have reached a milestone. One can imagine two scenarios: i) two equations that cancel to form one balanced reaction, or ii) one equation with many intermediates. I can definitively rule out the possibility of a catalytic cycle -- at least for my specific case. Today, I will only talk about the first scenario.

In the first case where there would be two equations, one would see the conversion of B.S. college grad (B) to Ph. D. doctorate (D). In this case (B) undergoes endothermic reactivity in lab including encounters with coursework (H), cumes (M), seminar (S) and the preliminary exam (X) which can be grouped as prepwork (P). Under the optimized conditions B will be converted to a candidate (C) who can also show the side product of experience (E). Candidate (C) must then apply the experience (E) that has been obtained to labwork (L), the original research proposal (O) and mentoring (M) [which will be grouped as requirements (R)] in order to obtain a Ph.D. or doctorate (D). The passed requirements can be retained as measurable side products of the converted doctorate. The equations then become:

P = H + M + S + X

B + P --> C + E

D = L + O + M

C + E --> D + R

therefore:

B + P --> D + R

A major intermediate in this pathway is the conversion of B to C, and therefore this is a milestone as I have made it to C. Hopefully in the pathway to D, I will be able to apply the experience E that I have obtained in a way that is favorable for my future development. I think that I will need to edit this equation in the future, as I'm sure that C + E does not need to be isolated if the equations were really the way they are presented and it would seem that the intermediate is not necessary, but I'm jaded in looking at kinetics and rates of conversion. I regret that I have not thought this through more thoroughly prior to typing it. For those concerned with the violation of thermodynamic rates and their principles, I do aim to correct my equations in the future, in addition to looking at the alternative pathway of reactivity.

Tendencies of overshoot in character gain

2008-04-06T02:08:00.002-04:00

It seems that I have fallen into a state of kara-centricity. Suddenly I realize that a majority of my interests and efforts have gone into thinking about my activities and happiness. What's funny is the fact that despite my new self-awareness, it will not stop or change until after the middle of april. So here I am, in the middle of a new month, a good part into a new year and lost in my own self-absorbancy. The only reason I note this, is that it may be of worth to those who are finding similar things happening to them with the onset of a new location and newly leeching demands.

It seems that this all came on very slowly. Starting with the balance of hours (work, study, reading, spiritual, emotional, social) and ending with a huge imbalance where only one of the above categories mattered has gotten me into the state where I am now. I often begin sentences with gerunds and end them with the main part of the sentence. A friend described it as talking in such a way to be replicated by trying to touch your left ear with your right hand by going behind and over your head. Try doing that. Then try reading my sentences. My friend is good at making comparisons without any words. With a large imbalance of one thing, my stress levels have become very high and with stress levels high you only think about how to cope. Coping mechanisms for me include retreating into my introverted self and withdrawing from my usual efforts in seeming interesting. It also includes my inability to focus during conversations. Being a believer in the terms of "being present" I find it hard to feel adequate in social situations when I am not truly able to stay present and instead tune out. It's not fair to me or them. This all comes down to a state of being in which one has devolved into someone who is not living up to their potential as a person. The truly obnoxious part is when I sit back and realize that it has happened and that there needs to be change. Those who might not know me well might think this is a very sad thing indeed to be so very self-aware of, but in fact, this state is where I come to often, and change for the better is often the outcome.

I have a chemical engineering background - though this has nothing at all to do with the last paragraph and this is an abrupt shift in topic, the statement holds true and is required for the next statement. My life is often analogous to an improperly tuned control valve. I don't quite remember all of the parameters that are needed to describe this, but I know enough to get my point across. Reaching these points where change needs to happen can be described by the plot below. Often after deciding on things that need to change, I exhibit a certain amount of overshoot and exceed what is reasonable for the amount of change necessary. The rise time varies, and after the overshoot, I will then drop below the expected gain required. This "settling time will vary substantially and eventually I reach a point where I am no longer oscillating and I have reached the change I desired. (Starting new semesters and my classwork shows this same character in how I approach classes.) So anyway, am I concerned about this newly found desire to change all these things I am dissatisfied about - no. I mainly realize that this is a pattern.

Noticed patterns are good. Change prior to very large upcoming deadlines is not good. Coping mechanisms that are socially destructive - also not good. Working through character flaws in by hanging your dirty laundry up for all to see on a blog - maybe unnecessary, but not necessarily not good. I think that overshoot is common. I think that individual devolvement is common. I think that staying up all hours of the night to blog is common. And so, we move on. We find those things that require change in us and we say it's everyone else that has to change or that it's us that has to change. I've decided that editing papers are similar to editing character. If someone has a valid point, you need to change it. If it doesn't matter and it's a personal preference, then it might not be very important but something to consider. It is not very often that editing includes nit-picky things when it comes to character. The best editors are the ones that love you the most - and they always bring up the very valid points. And they are not easy to take, but you can't brush them off because they wouldn't have brought it up if they didn't think it would make the composition better.

With that, I hope I'll be on my way soon to a better composition.

I'm not a writer - I leave that job for others

2008-02-18T00:15:00.003-05:00

So in case anyone reads this and wonders how I have one entry from 2006 and one from today - but seemingly out of place...I figured I would tell an incomplete and little story. Very little since my battery is dying and I need to sleep.

Once upon a time in 409 S. University, there lived a roommate named, well we'll name her J.C. She had an assignment to start a blog - which she was very against and proclaimed it to all of 409. Intrigued, I realized that if this duty was causing J.C. so much anguish, I had better check it out. I did, and foolishly thought I was being sucked in to an inordinate waste of time. So with that, I wrote my only entry for the next 2 years.

I started another blog on my own this year entitled "It's really very simple" for what would be the decoding of organic chemistry. This entry was rapidly left in disarray, as I found that I had very little to say since I myself could not decode organic chemistry therefore I sure wasn't going to try on a blog. So with the one entry that I had there, I transferred it here and have deleted the aforementied HTML.

Thanks to a fabulous witty writer friend, (and here's the plug for the joint blog "Single-Handedly" which has become an ironically accurate title actually) I have been thinking that this may (or may not) be an interesting use of time. I will have to curb my desires to sequester all opportune moments of relaxation here though, and spend them with more worthwhile pursuits. In the end though, there must be something said for just writing. Even when it is well known that nothing worthwhile will ever be said.

And with that, I leave writing up to the others. Random babbling is something I excel at. Always will.

As an Organic Chemist I find joy in...

2007-11-11T02:00:00.000-05:00

Hammett Plots, Eyring Equation, Kinetic Isotope Effect (KIE)